Mayor Tries to Convince Town All is Good with Photoshop

When I was elected mayor, I made a promise to tackle the issues facing our city head on. It has not be an easy undertaking. But almost a year later, I am proud to say we have already accomplished many of the issues plaguing our small city.

CHILD OBESITY
Many of my opponents have been highly critical of my initiative to reduce child obesity, calling it ridiculous to expect monumental change in such a short period of time. Well, as documented in the photo below, I think it’s very safe to say we have succeeded. The children of Bexar County have never been in better shape.  If the fattest kid in our county can still beat an Olympic runner in a race, I think we’ve done a pretty good job.

EDUCATION
Prior to my being elected mayor, our school systems were seriously underperforming. I made it my mission to make our schools the best in the country. Take the image below as nothing less than a trophy of our success. When’s the last time you read Infinite Jest? A 1000 page book with hundreds of characters, I’ve tried reading it twice and given up within 30 pages. And yet here is just a regular old student, a 5th grader no less, taking some time off after doing his homework to kick back with some post-modern literature. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?



THE HOMELESS
When I was running for mayor, I spoke to many citizens who told me their were very concerned with the economy. They were about losing their jobs. I also spoke to many individuals who were worried about the homeless. Creating a rich economy is a task no mayor can solve at the drop of a hat. However, the picture below ought be more than enough proof that I have been doing my job very well. Homeless people riding on jet skis with beautiful naked women!? Where else does that happen? What kind of utopia are we living in? The homeless in our town are richer and happier than the upper class in most other cities! Clearly, our city is doing pretty, pretty well. 



RACIAL DIVERSITY
Throughout the history of Bexar County, there has been an undeniable clash between races and classes. Which is why I was so shocked to discover this picture, taken a week ago at a very popular restaurant in Bexar county. Sure, we can brag that our city offers its students an incredible education, or that our homeless are better off than most lawyers, but it’s photos like this that truly remind you how good we have it here in Bexar County. All the races and minorities, sitting together in harmony, like the colors of the rainbow, coexisting peacefully in one of the finest cities ever.