It was a cool, crisp fall morning
ok, not really, but I've always wanted to start a story off that way.
One morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, I walked into the living room and noticed that my cat was dragging his ass across the floor. Not really normal behavior for a cat, well my cat anyway. I shrugged it off and headed to the kitchen to refill my coffee. On the way back, I see him again, scooting his ass across the floor, only this time I see something odd.
As I approach him to put an end to the nastiness, I notice a very small pink thing sticking out of his butt.
Oh my God, is that a worm??
I can't believe this cat has a worm hanging out of his butt. I approach, and as I do the cat stands up and looks at me as if to say, "Help me. Free me from this prison that is in my butt". I lay the cat down on his back and roll him over to expose his belly. I move his tale aside and sure enough, I see something pink hanging out of his butt.
GOOD GOD THIS IS DISGUSTING.
My first reaction was to just grab it, but I knew it was gross, so I went to the kitchen and grabbed some paper towels. Funny thing, it's like the cat knew what was coming, 'cause he never left.
I kneel down and reach over and grab "the worm".
So I pull. And pull. And pull. And have now pulled no less than 4 inches of this "worm" out of my cat's ass. The entire time the cat is SCREAMING and trying to run away (but I'm holding it with my other hand, so it can't).
WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS THING, I think to myself. As I examine the thing hanging out of my cat's butt, I realize what it is. It is the string from a balloon that we had in the house. My cat has eaten it and is now trying to pass it. The first thing that pops into my mind is, damn that string was long. And you know what, I was right.
So I keep pulling, and pulling. I'm up to about 13 inches of string and the cat is making noises I have never heard in my life. Did I mention it stinks. If you've never had the pleasure of pulling string out of your cat's ass, let me just tell you that it smells so bad. I gagged several times, much like a new dad changing a baby diaper.
Anyway, realizing I am late for work, I decide to speed up the process so I just YANK the string out as fast as I can.
MMMEEEEOOOOOOWWWWW he springs to his feet, darts off, bounces off the couch and is gone in an instant.
I have never EVER heard an animal scream in such a way. And fast, that cat took off so fast that by the time I heard his screams he was in the next room already.
So there I am, kneeling in my living room by myself, dry heaving and holding about 20 inches of pink, poop covered string and at the end of it, that's right, a big old ball of cat shit.
My cat made a poop balloon, and I helped.
Reflecting on this event as I drove in to work that morning, I realized my error and why he freaked out so bad in the end. By pulling the string out so fast, I probably gave my poor cat a rope burn on his little cat anus.