On April 22nd, literally hundreds of pretentious white peoplecelebrated Earth Day by refusing to shower; by riding their bicycles;by taking craps outside (thus conserving toilet water); by wearinggreen; and by singing hippie songs to plants. It was only two daysprior to Earth Day on 4/20 that the vast majority of these people weresetting the precious plant life on fire and smoking it for their ownenjoyment. This is sometimes known as "irony," but I think "clueless"is also a fair assessment. As soothing as it may feel to have thegreen, soft grass tickle your buttocks as you pinch one off in yourfront yard, it really does nothing positive for the Earth. It alsotends to confuse dogs.
   This contemporary eco-paganism has simply lost the pizzazz and can-doattitude of its ancient predecessor. Just a short while ago, pagancultures held wild dance parties and sex orgies in honor of theirnature gods and slaughtered animals, built alters and sacrificed humansto them in hopes that the offerings would yield good crops. When did wedecide this was no longer effective? Who doesn't like wild danceparties? Or slathering their body in lambs blood? Can you show me thescience that says recycling my plastics is more eco-friendly thanpainting my face with algae, bloodletting a squirrel and then pop, dropand locking it for Mother Earth? I illegally downloaded An InconvenientTruth, but I would actually consider paying money to see Al Gore infull Mayan-mode (perhaps sans loincloth), cutting out and eating theheart of a young woman who washed, rinsed and repeated one too manytimes. He wouldn't even have to waste precious natural energy by usinga scissor-lift for that.
   I've long been a skeptic as to the eco-benefits of not taking ashower. I personally have always thought that the hippies just triedslipping that one in there because they didn't want their unnaturalfear of water to seem weird. But perhaps not showering really helps theenvironment. Before Louis Pasteur Pied-Pipered everyone into believingin the apocryphal "germ," we seemed to get along just fine being dirty.Of course, people don't seem to realize that by not cleaning ourselves,washing machines have to work harder and use more energy to get theextra filth out of our clothes and bedding. It all seems quitecounterproductive, but I'm already – as in right this minute – takingsteps to fix this problem: I'm writing this while naked. I'm alsosquatting over a fern, but that is unrelated.
   We need to stop pussyfooting around. Seriously, Hollywood doesn't just givetheir Oscars away to anyone, so this climate change thing must bepretty serious and truly as inconvenient as they say. If we're going to savethis planet, we need to go all out, figuratively and literally. Notonly will going naked save time when we hold our safe-sex orgies inhonor of Gaia, it will eliminate all the greenhouse gasses emitted byclothes factories. Can it get any better? Is it even possible?! Yes.The 7 year olds in India that earn their living by making our clothesdo so by the light of burning toxic kerosene, since two-thirds of thecountry doesn't have electricity. By putting them out of a job, notonly are we eliminating the carbon foot print of 600 million kerosenelamps, we're ending child labor! Go us!
   Why has no one thought of this whole, "no-cleaning-no-clothes-no-electricity-to-save-the-Earth"thing before? Probably because our brains were too deliriously rackedwith dysentery, black plague and malaria before the 21st century tothink clearly . What a bunch of rubes they were! Ha-ha! I'm so gladwe're out of the Dark Ages now.