Five Movie Good Guys Who Should Have Gone to Jail

Jesse, Free Willy – Grand Larceny

Sure, this movie tells the story of a young wrong-side-of-the-tracks ruffian named Jesse (which has been statistically proven as the most badass name of all time, according to surveys made up for this article) and how he saves Willy, an orca whale who is being killed entirely too slowly by his handlers.  And sure, Jesse learns the value of life and love from his foster parents as well as Willy.  And sure, there’s that awesome scene where Willy jumps over Jesse in slow motion.  But then again, there’s that whole thing about how Jesse STEALS Willy from his oppressive home.  He goes in the middle of the night and outright takes him.  Despite the fact that Jesse learns the error of his ways, there is the unavoidable truth that he committed grand whale larceny, a crime that most definitely would have at least landed him in Juvenile Hall, or even prison.

Elliott, E.T. – Harboring a Fugitive

Elliott, the sweet little boy in E.T., surely couldn’t be the perpetrator of a crime, you say.  Well, you’d be wrong.  The connection between Elliott and E.T. causes Elliott to not only harbor an illegal alien, he helps the alien escape from the police and scientists who wish to study him.  If the movie had continued beyond “I’ll be right here,” thirty seconds later Elliott would be in some scientist’s fishbowl cell at Area 51, getting questioned and eventually imprisoned or killed.

Larry and Richard, Weekend at Bernie’s – Multiple Counts

In addition to being incredibly overrated, Weekend at Bernie’s is a movie rife with all sorts of illegal activity.  However, most of it isn’t carried out by Bernie or his Mob connections – Larry and Richard, the movie’s protagonists, cause what appears to be thousands of dollars worth of damage while carrying around a dead man.  Not only do they NOT immediately call the police when they discover their boss dead, but they pretend that he is alive for their own personal gain.  Not to mention the fact that it is illegal for anyone besides a mortician to move a dead body, let alone virtually make him a puppet.  This would probably put Larry and Richard at the top of the Mafia’s “Kill” list, or at least send them to prison for a good long time.

Bastian, The Neverending Story – Shoplifting and Truancy

Bastian, the innocent book-minded kid from The Neverending Story, travels to a world beyond his, or anyone else’s wildest imaginations, filled with flying dog-dragons and tit-baring Oracle statues.  However, the way he gets there is a way of treachery – you see, Bastian steals the book from that kindly old man’s bookstore.  And although he leaves a note promising to return it, he does not, as proven by the sequels to the movie.  In addition to shoplifting, Bastian also becomes a truant, skipping classes and remaining in the school’s attic for an entire day and night.  Many years of juvenile hall would surely ensue.  Atreyu would not approve.

Scott Calvin, The Santa Clause – Murder/Manslaughter

This smug son-of-a-bitch kills Santa Claus.  Murder, manslaughter, whatever you would want to call it in trial, it is his fault that Santa dies.  Santa is climbing on his roof, just trying to bring joy to all the little girls and boys of the world, and Scott Calvin kills him.  No one’s gonna mention that?  Has Tim Allen ever done anything worse in his entire career?  (Edit: Please note everything Tim Allen has ever done besides Toy Story and Galaxy Quest.)