The following waswritten at 3 a.m. after drinking several beers and watching all 3 Mighty DucksFilms.
THE MIGHTY DUCKS 4
The Mighty Ducks 4 is a story of heroism, lust, intrigue,incest, passion, justice, and above all, intergalactic ice hockey battles for planetary conquest.
The opening scene is designed to bring the viewers up to date on what has become of our beloved heroes. The opening credits highlight the previous three movies as well as what has occurred since, including the ducks defeating Iceland in the Olympics and a restraining order filed by Charlie's mom against Gordon Bombay. It ends on the title "The Mighty Ducks 4",with the "4" being made out of broken and bloody hockey sticks. Finally we settle in on our establishing shot .Hooters Restaurant.
Amongst the rowdy fraternity brethren, and an overweight trucker's convention, we see our childhood hero alone at a table, staring downat a half empty basket of chicken fingers. The camera approaches from behind so that we do not see his face; we only see the back of what appears to be a homeless man. He is in deep concentration. We hear his thoughts, which are a montage of different announcers voices saying things like "The Mighty Ducks win it all", and"The Ducks have done it again", and "Charlie appears to be drunk out there on the ice".
Finally a familiar voice is heard off screen and says "Charlie?" Our hero looks up; this is the first shot of Charlie's face we get. He has a full beard, is completely disheveled, and has a scar running directly across his forehead (Note: the scar is never explained, leaving the viewer to make up their own mind as to what might have caused such a thing, whether it be getting his face stepped on during a hockey game, or getting cutup by loan sharks after he failed to make a payment). Charlie looks up and we see Julie "The Cat" Gaffney.
An awkward conversation ensues where Julie says she has to work at Hooters and act in porno films just to make ends meat, and both begin reminiscing about the glory days. Charlie gets upset and makes some rude comments, such as "What the fuck do you know anyway Julie? You were never like a cat, you were more like a pussy!" Then he gets up and stumbles because of his drunkenness. Julie yells at him to leave. He reaches into his pocket and throws the only dollar bill he has in his wallet at her. Clearly this is not the Charlie Conway we remember.
We then cut to a shot of outer space. In fact, it is identical to the opening scene in the movie Independence Day when the flying saucers pass over the moon (to save money, this exact scene could easily be used). We cut back to Charlie in his apartment. It is a total dive. Picture the most disgusting apartment you can think of, and then multiply it by like 17, that may not seem like a lot, but we don't want to make things too ridiculous by saying some large number like 1,000,000. 17 works just fine. Inside Charlie's crappy apartment, we see that his walls are lined with newspaper clippings of the team when they were younger. This isn't some miniature shrine of remembrance, Charlie is obsessed. All of his walls are covered with memorabilia, he has clippings strewn around his floor. He is sitting on a folding chair eating oatmeal and pounding Pabst Blue Ribbon. He is starring at the TV. All the lights are out. We see and hear the TV from the perspective of Charlie's drunken point of view. The newscaster is talking about satellite disturbances and then says some sentence involving the word "frequency".
The next morning Charlie is asleep in his bed, on the counter is a half empty bottle of Banker's Club Gin and a hockey helmet. We hear a lot of yelling coming from outside. Charlie gets out of bed and opens his shade; there are a lot of people out on the street. Charlie goes outside, he has this look on his face like "This better be real fucking important, or I am going to start a fight with a random gang and hope they kick my ass and kill me, seeing as how I am suicidal and all"!! Outside people are talking about an alien invasion or something like that. Charlie walks over to where a bunch of people are standing around a department store with televisions in the windows. A shot of an alien spaceship which has landedin the parking lot of the Mall of America in Minnesota is on the screen, the newscaster is talking about the alien spaceship, then says some sentence involving the word "anal probing".
The space ship remains perfectly still for several days inorder for the president and pretty much every news station in the county to send someone out there. Ordinarily the aliens would not have waited so long, but we need to set up the next scene inthe movie, and it is imperative that several news reporters are there as well as the president, and a few Scientologists who think Lord Xenu has returned.
Once a door on the space ship opens, the aliens come out,they have a lot of the same features as humans do, except their feet are iceskates, I mean they are literally ice skates. The bottoms of their feet have blades on them, which makes walking off the ship quite difficult. They also have really sharp teeth, and are about 7 feet in height. After 3 of them walk off the ship one of them puts this really funky looking machine up to his mouth and starts speaking. The machine translates their native language into Earth's native language, which is obviously English.
Essentially, the aliens admit that they have been receiving television transmissions from Earth. Along with a few of Hitler's speeches and some episodes of The Price is Right, they also received a video of Team USA, aka The Mighty Ducks from their Olympic days in the second film. They have grown to love the sport of hockey, and have made it their national sport, seeing as how their feet are ice skates, and their planet is made out of ice. A potential plot hole someone might think of is "Well, if their feet are just like skates, and their planet is covered in ice, wouldn't they have thought up the game of hockey all on their own?, why did it take transmissions from Earth for them to discover hockey?" The short answer here is "If you are looking for plot holes in this movie, you are the wrong demographic." They have travelled here to challenge the Mighty Ducks to a hockey game where we will each bet the rights to our planet in the universe's first intergalacticice hockey match.
Let me repeat that. The Mighty Ducks are going to play a hockey game against a group of aliens, and the fate of the world rests on their shoulders.
After the aliens make their statement, we cut to Charlie,who is watching all of this on the TV in his apartment. Suddenly there is a knock on the door. He opens the door and we see his landlord who says "Charlie, there is a phone call for you downstairs ..its the PENTAGON!!!"
We cut to Charlie sitting at a desk at the Pentagon. A very official looking general walks in and basically says that the UN has agreed to the match, since the aliens have threatened to blow up our planet if we do not comply. So now it is up to Charlie to reassemble the team in preparation for the big game. The aliens have agreed to give them 30 days in which to prepare. Now he has to track down everyone and get them on board.
You remember that scene from the movie Armageddon where Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thorton, and Liv Tyler are trying to reassemble their team of oil drillers, and we see them dispersed throughout the country? Well that is kind of like what the next scene is like, with the U.S. Government trying to track everyone down. Here is a short list of what has become of everyone:
Charlie Conway: Alcoholic, suicidal, out of shape, eager for triumphant return.
Fulton Reed: Manager at Burger King (This could lead to corporate financing, as well as kids meal action figures)
Greg Goldberg: Lives in Mexico and owns a club that does Donkey Shows.
Lester Averman: Male prostitute, he's not gay, he just needs the money.
Jesse Hall: Incarcerated. 25 years to life for homicide.
Connie Moreau: Exotic Dancer, cocaine addiction.
Adam Banks: Plays in a minor league Canadian hockey league. Closeted homosexual.
Julie Gaffney: Hooters waitress, porn star.
Guy Germaine: Deceased.(Note: all of this will be explained later on in the movie. Following the collapse of the team, everybody fell on hard times. In order to bounce back from welfare, Guy Germaine decided to rob a bank, but was taken out in a hail of gunfire. He died with the same shit-eating grin he had on his face throughout the other three movies)
Dwayne Robertson: Lives on a farm in Texas, possibly in to bestiality.
Ken Wu: Deported to Korea despite being Chinese, kidnapped and sold into sex trafficking.
Dean Portman: Currently on the FBI's 10 most wanted list, whereabouts unknown.
Luis Mendoza: Professional figure skater with Disney on Ice.
Russ Tyler: Agoraphobic, part time marijuana dealer.
Gordon Bombay: After being disbarred, he bought a bar, oh the irony. Charlie's mom also has a restraining order against him, but Charlie has always believed Gordon was agood guy.
After the crazy shenanigans involved in getting the entire crew back together, except for Dean Portman and Gordon Bombay, their training begins. Dean Portman was nowhere to befound, despite the Government agreeing to withdraw the warrant for his arrest. Charlie approached Bombay at his dive bar,which is called "Bombs A Bombay". Gordon makes some comments about how his glory days are behind him. A sentimental moment between Charlie and Gordon takes place, Gordon wishes Charlie good luck, and then Charlie walks out the front door. Gordon does a triple deak with a beer bottle on the counter, it falls off and shatters on the ground in slow motion, a moment of symbolism.
Without a head coach, Charlie assumes the role. Tensions mount as the crew has to readjust and get along with each other. The hostility is so think you would need a chain saw to cut through it. Just days before the big game it seems as though all hope is lost. Many of the members skate off the ice during a heated practice. It is in the locker room as many of the players are fighting and saying they want to forfeit that Goldberg stands up and gives a speech. And not just any speech, a speech of biblical proportions. Its a combination of General Patton's speech from Patton, Belushi's speech from Animal House and Jean Claude Van Damme's speech from StreetFighter. He reminds them of the power of the flying V, and how no force has ever stopped them before. The team rejoices by putting their hands together in a circle and start quacking. An orgy soon follows.
The day of the big game, the team arrives at the rink that has been built for this monumental occasion. The stadium is gigantic, and easily seats 500,000 people. The rink itself is also larger than a regulation size rink. Apparently some of the rules the aliens play by are different than our own rules, and the Ducks are about to find out what else is different about this form of hockey. Both the Ducks and the aliens take to theice. The aliens have little devices that look like gas masks attached to their faces; this is so when they talk we will hear their languages translated into English. (Note: Preferably, the voices of the aliens will be done by Corey Feldman, Samuel L. Jackson, R. Lee Ermey,Christopher Walken, James Earl Jones, Paul Giamatti, Clive Owen, and HankAzaria can do the rest, because all of these guys have bad ass voices)
Once both teams have taken the ice, the crowd is going nuts and screaming. The referee approaches to drop the puck for the face off, when the alien playing Center says "Refs? We don't play with refs!" He then takes his stick and cuts the ref's head off. Blood flows like a river and the head flies through the air and lands on the Duck's bench. The referee's body is dragged off the ice by two of the aliens, who quickly eat it. The Center alien looks at Charlie and says "Sorry kid, but we don't play with refs, they always fuck everything up." But Charlie isn't paying attention to that; he is paying attention to their sticks, which literally have blades for blades. Things are about to get bloody.
With the noise growing louder, the aliens start to look annoyed, until the captain says "You know, where we come from, hockey is not a spectator sport, either you play or you DIE!!" After emphasizing the word die,he reaches into his jersey and pulls out a bomb that vaguely resembles a dildo and chucks it into the stands. A controlled explosion takes place killing everyone in the stands but leaving all of the players untouched. The bleachers now have limbs scattered all over the place, it's a bloody mess. Now the two worst things in sports are gone, the refs, and the fair-weather fans. With the puck in the middle, Charlie and the alien quickly do a 1 2 3 hit count before going for the puck, the alien wins the draw and quickly swipes his blade down Charlie's arm. From the bench, Averman screams "They drew first blood!!"
Hockey, in outer space, is more like some sort of gladiator battle. Their sticks have blades on them and their gloves have spikes on the outside. The game is a bloody mess. The Ducks are trying their best but can't compete with the skill, speed, and violence that go along with alien hockey. They quickly find themselves down 1-0. After much battling up and down the ice, and several line changes, Charlie now has the puck behind the net and yells "FLYING V". The team assembles in their standard attack mode, but the aliens were more than prepared for the flying V, having seen it on TV. One of the aliens shouts out"DOUBLE V", and they quickly make the shape of a W (if you think about it, a W really is a double v, not a double u). With the ducks approaching in their flying V, the aliens attack dead on in the double V. When the two collide the ducks fall down like dominoes and the aliens suddenly have a 5 man breakaway against Julie, they take a slap shot so powerful it goes right through her stomach and out the other end. It is now 2-0, and Julie is lying down on the ice with a huge hole in her center. "NOOOOO" screams Averman who quickly skates over to her and holds her hand. Julie looks up at him with a dying look in her eyes. "Kill those motherfuckers" she says and her eyes close.
Averman starts to skate angrily over towards the aliens, but Charlie stops him. "Let me at them" says Averman. "No, they will kill you, we have to beat them at their own game" says Charlie. "But this isn't hockey" says Averman. After some discussion, and after Goldberg and Reed remove Julie's body from the ice, the game continues. Its a battle royale on the ice and the ducks find themselves getting their asses kicked. The first period comes to an end.
Inside the locker room the gang looks depressed. They discuss whether or not they should forfeit before they all end up dead. The wounds sustained so far include deep cuts, fingers have been chopped off, Dwayne has been scalped but is still able to play, and Jesse Hall had one of his eyes removed, he is currently wearing a pirate patch. Just then, the doors swing open and in walk Gordon Bombay with Dean Portman. Portman quickly suits up, and the gang looks happy to see Bombay, who is dressed in a nice suite and is clean shaven (back at the bar he looked like Bill Murray in Osmosis Jones).
Bombay assures them that they can win this game. They retake the ice for the start of the second period.
As soon as Charlie and the alien are done with the face off,Charlie immediately drops his stick and gloves and jumps straight at the center alien, digging his fingers into the alien's eyes and biting his nose off. As the alien screams Charlie shoves the bottom of his skate into the alien's ankle, chopping off the foot. As the alien lies there screaming and bleeding, his teammates look on in disbelief. Charlie quickly grabs his stick, passes the puck to Banks who is wide open and one times it in for a goal. Itis now 2-1.
The injured alien is removed from play by its teammates, and boy do they look pissed. The rest of the period contains no scoring, but there is a plethora of violence. Both Dwayne and Wu are killed after being impaled with hockey sticks. Banks gets his left arm cut off. Charlie is bleeding all over. One alien is killed after having a hockey stick shoved so far up its ass that it comes out of its chest. Serious injury occurs to the other aliens. There isn't a single person or alien who is not in agonizing pain, which is what all great hockey games require.
In between periods the Ducks find themselves down 2-1. While in the locker room tending to their wounds, they are talking about how they are going to come back and win. Yelling and name calling ensues, which causes Goldberg to walk over to a door in the locker room that nobody noticed before. He opens it and looks amazed. He says "Hey guys, you better come take a look at this". Behind this door is an arsenal of weapons. It seems that had the Ducks lost, the military was planning a full scale attack on the aliens. The remaining players quickly gather their supplies and prepare for their finest hour.
The aliens are now on the ice and are wondering what is taking so long. Suddenly a doorway blows open, and the ducks enter under a cloud of smoke. Similarly to how the Ducks changed uniformsin the 2nd movie, they change uniforms here. Only these uniforms are made of bullet proof vests, protective metallic shin guards and helmets, titanium sticks, and heated gloves for extra comfort(Don't ask why this stuff was in there, just go with it)
The Ducks take the ice to the sound of "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" by Drowning Pool. As soon as the face off is done, the resulting period is not so much a hockey game as it is a full out war. The Ducks have a few surprises of their own, including flamethrowers which have been taped to theirsticks, miniature heat seeking missiles that shoot from their gloves, and if they turn their sticks upside down, they double as grenade launchers. All of this is a recipe for awesomeness.
Several aliens are set on fire, some are gunned down, a few blow up one is disemboweled and thrown onto its own bench (talk about sending a message). But the Duck's losses are just as great. Fulton Reed is decapitated. Averman dies after one alien throws him up into the air and cuts him and half from left to right, and while his body separates in mid air, another alien jumps up and cuts him in half from top tobottom, sending Averman to the ground in 4 pieces. (Note: the above attack happens really quickly, so that before you know it Averman is in 4 pieces, picture 300,only instead of slowing down when an attack happens we speed up).
Jess Hall's body is nowhere to be found, but his head is on the top of one of the alien's sticks, like its a trophy. Connie dies after throwing herself in front of a slap shot that was headed towards Charlie. They have a sentimental and romantic moment just before she dies. Adam Banks and Dean Portman are accidently set on fire by Goldberg when his flamethrower malfunctions. Luis Mendoza is thrown to the ground and an alien jumps in the air and lands on him,causing his body to explode all over the place. Russ Tyler is given the chance to do his infamous "knuckle puck" which ties the game at 2-2. The aliens are pissed off at this and immediately crowd around him and eat him alive. A bad shot goes into the stands and goes right through Gordon Bombay's chest, right where his heart is.
After this massacre, all that is left is Goldberg, Charlie,one alien left wing, and an alien goalie. With Charlie and the alien wing both going for the puck at center ice, and with both of them low on weaponry, Charlie shoves the blade of his stick straight up into the air which causes him to lose balance and fall to the ground. The blade of his stick goes right through the alien's eye and out the back of its head, but the alien's foot comes down on Charlie's chest.
With the final alien dead, Charlie gets up in slow motion and Goldberg is going ape shit back at the net telling him to hurry up and score. With the clock winding down, and blood pouring out of his chest, Charlie gets up and skates right in front of the alien goalie, which is protecting his net. Charlie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bomb that is in the shape of a hockey puck and drops it on the ice right next to the real puck. The alien says "This wasn't supposed to happen, we weren't supposed to lose, what do you expect me to do now?" Charlie looks up and smiles "I expect you to DIE!!" He quickly delivers a wrist shot sending both the puck and bomb flying at the goalie simultaneously.
Its in slow motion as the goalie tries to keep his eye onthe puck. It sees the puck and reachesfor it, but just as he does he loses sight of the bomb which hits him right in the mouth causing its head to explode. There is smoke everywhere and we are not sure if the puck went in or not.
Goldberg leaves the net and comes skating towards Charlie, who has collapsed on the ice. As Goldberg holds Charlie in his arms another sad moment occurs. Charlie says "Goldberg, you must tell people about what happened here today, you must not let them forget." Goldberg agrees as Charlie passes away. When Goldberg looks up, the headless alien goalie is lying off to the side of the net, and there, in the exact center of the net is the puck. Goldberg looks up and sees the score is 2-3, and that the Ducks have won the game.
Goldberg looks around and sees that all of his team mates are dead and that all of the aliens are dead. There are blood and body parts everywhere and Goldberg realizes that he is all alone. He takes off his skates and armor so that all he is wearing are shorts and his Ducks t-shirt. As he walks off into the sunset preparing himself to tell this story to the rest of mankind, the camera pans back and up so that we can see the rink where this battle occurred. A voice over says that the Ducks saved the world from the alien invasion, and that there was peace and prosperity among all civilizations on Earth for centuries to come. As the voice over says this, we see the rink start to fade away, and in its place a golden monument stands with the Mighty Ducks standing together, and in the center is Charlie who is holding up the decapitated head of a conquered alien.
Note: The following movie would be rated R for non-stop bloody violence, pervasive language, hard-core drug use, nudity, and the use of Samuel L. Jackson.
Note: This movie would be ridiculously awesome.