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105%-O-Matic

Issue One Hundred and Eighteen

by 105%-O-Matic on

It’s cool. We were invited.

Every walk is a “Walk of Shame” if you’re fat enough.
-Mike Cence
Two words that can get you fired the quickest in a Sports Illustrated for Kids pitch meeting
Swimsuit Issue
-Adam Newman
I don’t understand why people choose their candles so carefully. They all taste the same to me.
-Brian Mates
My mom brought home a step-ladder yesterday. It’s so weird not having my real ladder around anymore.
-Ryan Manning
If every cigarette I smoke takes minutes off my life, I should start getting up earlier.
-Michael Lewis
Virginity
The ultimate out of body experience.
-Conor McKeon
Non-rhetorical Gameshow Title
By watching “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” aren’t you already answering their question?
-Andrew Gross
I love theme parties. My favorite? Cowboys and Prostitutes.
-Dylan Byars
I used to think I was really into the Civil War, turns out I’m just really into moustaches.
-Tim LaMay
If masturbating is a crime, then put me away for life. Wait… it isn’t a crime? Oh. Then put me in the Guinness Book of World Records probably.
-Mike Cence
If a person with amnesia wrote a memoir, would it be put in the “Fiction” section?
-Mike Cence
YMCA
YMCA stands for “Young Men’s Christian Association,” which I think is a really flawed title for that place: You don’t need to be young to go there, you don’t need to be a man to go there, and if you’re not Christian who cares about you in the first place?
-Patrick Cassels
I was dating a girl for 3 months. She never knew I drank until one night I came home sober.
-Jerry G.
If you get head from a blow up doll, do they call it infellatio?
-Mike Hartsock
I like to scare deaf people by yawning.
-Ryan Manning
I got a fortune cookie at this Irish pub and it said, “this is weird.”
-Jake Simon
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Passwords

I work in IT for a fairly well known company, but I work for one of the smaller branches. It's just me and one other person and let me just say, he isn't the brightest bulb. We are suppose to change the passwords to the computers every three months, and I was going to be gone on the day that we were suppose to do it. I wrote down the list of passwords that he needed to... Read More » change it to in an Excel doc and told him that he needed change them before he left on Friday, but after everyone is gone for the weekend. Monday I get back and everyone is asking me why they cannot get onto their computer. It turns out the guy didn't like the passwords I had created and made up his own, and then forgot what they were.