My Summer Morning Routine Hates Me

Me: Ugh, please stop.

Alarm Clock: Don’t give me that sh*t, college boy. You’ve been working for two months and you’re still incapable of waking up early like a normal working person? What are you going to do when you graduate?

Pillow: He probably won’t find a job anyway.

Curtains: Hey boss, want me to pull up for the day?

Me: Please, no. Just let me sleep for 7 more minutes.

Alarm Clock: No. You hit snooze 6 times yesterday, we are not starting this again. Go ahead curtains, let him have it.

Me: Arrrrrgh!

Sun: Morning you lil’ bitch! Yeah, got my sh*t all up in them eyes, how you like that!?

Alarm Clock: 9,900 DEGREES, THAT’S WHY THEY CALL HIM MR. FARENHEIT!

Me: OK, fine, I’m up, I’m up.

Pillow: Where do you think you’re going?

Me: We go through this every morning, Pillow. I have to go to work every day.

Pillow: Well you better f*cking come back, because if you don’t, I’m going to tell your ex-girlfriend that you talk to me about her when you’re drunk.

Me: You better not pull any crap like you did the last 2 days. I’m getting in the shower.

Shower: So how’s work going?

Me: It’s fine, it’s just…

Shower: It’s just that you aren’t doing any physical activity anymore. Look at how fat you’re getting.

Me: Thanks. You know, I’m trying to hit the gym now and then, but it’s hard when…

Shower: When the only exercise you’ve got since high school has been lifting food to your face. You know what, get out of here and don’t come back until you lose a few pounds, OK tubby?

Cell Phone: BUZZZZ! REALLY LOUD VIBRATING! BUZZZ!

Pillow: I would answer your phone, your ex-girlfriend is probably a little creeped out about that message she got a couple minutes ago.

Me: What? What did you say to her you bastard?

Pillow: Why don’t you get it straight from your horse’s mouth?

Me: (Into phone) Hey, Claire, how’s it…no, that wasn’t what me, see what happened was…I know it’s the third time this week, but it’s seriously not me…no, I don’t still have feelings for you, it really wasn’t me…no, please don’t call the cops…Claire?…Claire? (To pillow) You f*cking bastard, she’s probably going to get a restraining order against me.

Alarm Clock: I thought you didn’t have feelings for her anymore.

Me: I don’t, but I mean…f*ck this; screw you guys, I’m going to work.

‘95 Volvo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What you doin’ just tryin’ to start me up all quick like. You gotta give me a little love first, get me in the mood.

Me: God damn it.

‘95 Volvo: No wonder your girlfriend dumped you.