Why They Cancelled America's Army

The US Army recently cancelled their free-to-play series of recruitment videogames. Here’s why:

An army briefing room. A four-star general enters with Herman, a pimply, greasy fifteen-year-old. 

General: Men, meet Herman Wallace. He’s topped the America’s Army leadboard for the past five months, and we believe he is our best and brightest hope of winning this war.

Herman: Sup losers. 

The Middle East, a few weeks later:

Marine Sargeant: Commander Wallace! Insurgents have the compound surrounded. What are your orders?

Herman: OK, first thing, we need some health packs.

Sargeant: Sir?

Herman: Big white boxes with a red cross on them. Trust me, you do not want to get shot without one of those ready.

Sargeant: Sir, I’m not sure-

Herman: Fine, health packs later. Just find the rocket launcher, OK? Judging from the design of this level, it should be on that warehouse roof.

Sergeant: Sir, we could have brought a rocket launcher from base, no need to go scrambling-

Herman: Dammit, am I surrounded by n00bs? At least tell me someone is going after their flag.

Private: Incoming!

Enemy fires pins down the marines.

Herman:  Quick! I just unlocked the “Uber Headshot” achievement, I can take these guys.

The Sargeant reluctanly hands him a rifle.

Herman: Hm. Are all the guns this heavy?

BANG. The gun accidentally goes off, hitting the Private.

Herman: Ah! I didn’t know it was, uh, bullet-filled.

Private: Tell my wife- I love her.

Sargeant: Damn it, James, you’re going to live through this! MEDIC!

Herman: Told you we should have found health packs.