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105%-O-Matic

105%: One Hundred and Nineteen

by 105%-O-Matic on

Issue One Hundred and Nineteen

It would probably suck to be Alice Cooper’s kid and have to go to summer school.
-Conor McKeon
I stopped a cannibal from eating me by lying on the ground for 5 seconds.
-Gareth Barsby
Should a deaf child’s mother wash their child’s hands with soap everytime they swear?
-Ben Kamperschroer
Who doesn’t love shark week?!?
Oh…right…probably victims and their families.
-Tom Graber
I came out of the closet to my parents last night…
Scared the sh*t out of ‘em!
-Kevin Elliott
I think the best part about being tried as an adult in court is you can have cookies as your last meal.
-Conor McKeon
I wouldn’t say I believe in God, but I do believe in something bigger and higher than us. Thats why I believe in a bear on stilts.
-Kevin Collins
I get high on drugs because they haven’t developed a way to smoke life yet.
-Vincent Brugnoni
Mistaken
During a fight the other day my parents told me I was a mistake. I didn’t understand because I thought I was adopted. My Dad said he was just trying to rent a boat.
-Jon Raciunas
Ever since I got pregnant, everyone asks whether I’m hoping for a boy or a girl. I just hope my penis still works after it comes out.
-Zach Hendi
AOL’s Business Model
Slow and Steady wins the race.
-Sean Jordan



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Passwords

I work in IT for a fairly well known company, but I work for one of the smaller branches. It's just me and one other person and let me just say, he isn't the brightest bulb. We are suppose to change the passwords to the computers every three months, and I was going to be gone on the day that we were suppose to do it. I wrote down the list of passwords that he needed to... Read More » change it to in an Excel doc and told him that he needed change them before he left on Friday, but after everyone is gone for the weekend. Monday I get back and everyone is asking me why they cannot get onto their computer. It turns out the guy didn't like the passwords I had created and made up his own, and then forgot what they were.