For the past few months my television has been plagued by commercials by birth control and other women part necessities. Now, I don’t claim to be a woman or even to understand all what goes on down there, the vagina is one of my most cherished things in this world. But what bothers me the most is the commercials most of all. Not all of them are terrible; I would just like to see a more realistic setting.

The one that is most irksome to me is a commercial that seems completely out of context. Let me set the scene in case you have been living underneath a rock, or have been beaten in the head by said rock. Four women are at a trendy rooftop party sipping on cocktails. All of a sudden the one ugly woman brings up she is on a new form of birth control. Less flow, less cramps and, the most important thing, NO BABIES!

Now if any girls have gone to any one of the endless parties that adorn our beautiful college campus’s all over the world and chatted about birth control. Between the keg stands, beruit games, and other nefarious activities I cannot possibly fathom two women let alone four talking about what causes the slip’n’slide run red. Also, the side effects are more worrisome to me, then ending up on Maury trying to figure if I’m the father or one of the others in the gang bang.

Also, what is up with the ring that women have been putting in their …ahem… areas? I thought the world-wide failure of the woman condom ended the trend of having anything in the vagina aside from your tampons. It also doesn’t help that this “ring” looks like a bastardized version of a lobster trap to ensnare the male genitalia. While recently getting friendly with a girl, she stopped and reached down to remove this ring. Now aside from the unlocked door in the frat house we had met maybe a scant three hours before, the blaring rants of Li’l John’s “Snap Your Fingers”, and the freshman vomiting in the corner, it was the most unromantic thing that could have happened.

And just what are the side effects to these wonderful drugs? Now the crevice down there seems to have seen a decline in cancer, but it seems that two of the other four happy places on a woman’s body seem to have developed cists and other malignant things.

So ladies, please inform the male gender before you start sticking things in places and get cancer. I personally would like a heads up before deciding to bring Dr. Figglestien (my penis to those who do not get subtly) to the show. Thank you.