A Summary of Every 2009 Fantasy Football Draft

 Pre Draft                                                                  
The selection order is randomly drawn and money is collected. Even though it was clearly stated that money MUST be brought to the draft, 2 out of the 10 players don’t have any cash, but “will hit you up soon.” (Soon = Never). Everyone comes prepared with an assortment of draft magazines, laptops, and spreadsheets…except for the 2 guys who didn’t bring money, but they’ll “only need to borrow one of your mags right before my picks.” They will be in possession of said magazine 80% of the evening thereafter. 

Early Rounds
The guys who end up with Adrian Peterson and Drew Brees are as happy as pigs in sh*t, while those who have to talk themselves into Frank Gore in the first round have already begun writing off their season in their heads. All of the studs get snapped up in mostly logical order. However, there are always hilarious exceptions, like Joseph Addai going in the first round. Don’t you realize he is injury prone AND splitting carries? It’s not 2006 anymore.

Enjoy enduring vicious insults all night and laboring in last place all year, asshole. Also, pizza is ordered. The guys who didn’t bring any cash still want in because “this is gonna take a while, and I’m totally good for it, man.” (Good for it = Eating for free) There will also be the guy delivering his commentary on every single pick early on as if he’s getting paid to do it. Hey Matthew Berry, no one gives a shit what you think. You finished in seventh place last year and ninth the year before. Just make jokes about everyone else’s mothers and rip apart Joseph Addai guy, and everything will be cool.

Middle Rounds

The pizza arrives, meaning the “strict” 2 minutes per pick rule flies out the window. The players being chosen, while potentially as important as their earlier rounds’ brethren, just aren’t all that exciting. It’s hard to get overly fired up about your first tight end or third running back. The Guy Who Knows Everything will tell everyone about what a steal it was to snag Thomas Jones where he did. Whatever makes you sleep at night, GWKE. This is also when one of the guys who didn’t bring money will try to take Dwayne Bowe, even though he was taken 2 rounds ago. “Sorry fellas, I forgot to cross him off of my list.” Oh, you mean the list in the magazine that DOESN’T EVEN BELONG TO YOU?!? Ass.

Late Rounds

All the picks run together. Very few of them will stay on the same teams all year anyway. A couple of the guys leave someone with a list of players who are still around and tell them to pick for them, and go do something “important” like see loved ones or some such ridiculous bullshit. The collective will to live of the participants decreases ten-fold.

Conclusion

The teams are set, and the discussion about the upcoming season begins. Everyone, but especially GWKE, talks about who they think has the best teams on paper. Most of these predictions will prove to be false, but whatever. After 2 hours of entertainment and 1 hour of pretty painful boredom, everyone’s set to start the 2009 season, which is all that matters in the end. Well, that, and the fact that you’re never seeing that $60 from those freeloaders.