Heaven's Short List

Peter talking to a man at the pearly gates.  A long line of people behind them.

Peter:  “I’m sorry sir, you’re not on the list.  You’ll have to step aside.”

Man:  “No, there has to be some kind of mistake.”

Peter:  “Oh, well then…“  Quickly flips through the list.  “Nope, still not. Step aside please.  Next in line.”

Next man starts moving forward.  First man stops him.

Man:  “Hey, hold on.”

Peter sighs.

Peter:  “What?”

Man:  “What about the time I picked up trash on the highway?”

Peter:  “What about it?”

Man:  “What do you mean ‘What about it?‘  I think that should count for something.”

Peter:  “Well it might if you weren’t court ordered.”

Man:  “So?”

Peter:  “Sir, it wasn’t a genuine act of kindness so it doesn’t count…plus, an aweful lot of cursing God that day.”

Man:  “Well, I still had to give up all my weekends for two years.”

Peter:  “So you didn’t go to church then?”

Man:  “Oh, don’t do that.  I went to bible study.”

Peter:  “Because you wanted to sleep with the nun!”

Man:  “Well I didn’t make her leave the covenant afterward.  I said, ‘no strings attached.’“  Peter shakes his head.  “Besides, she was a nice lady, wonder what ever happened to her.”

Peter:  “I don’t know.  Oh wait…“  Looks at the ground and starts waving.  “Hey there Sister Helen.  How’re you doing?”

Man:  “Oh, come on!”

God walks out.

God:  “Peter, what’s the hold up?  No one’s come in for a while.”

Peter:  “Well, this guy can’t seem to get it through his head that he’s not coming in.”

God sizes up the man.

God:  “Is that so?”

Man:  “Who the hell is this guy?!?”

Peter:  “That’s God!  You’d know that if you’d paid attention in bible study.”

Man [to God]:  “Oh, the guy from the billboard!”

God:  “Among other things.”

Man:  “Big fan.”

God:  “Hmph…”

Man:  “Glad someone with power is finally here.“  Peter bites his lip.  “I was just telling this guy [pointing at Peter] that I helped clean up the streets for two years.”

God:  “Well, that’s very admirable.“  God slightly smiles and nods his head.

Peter:  “Hold on a minute!  First of all it was the highway and second it was court ordered.”

Man:  “Well…”

God:  “Wait!  What’d he do for that?”

Peter:  “He exposed himself at a benefit for unwed teenage mothers.”

God:  “Ha!  That’s classic!”

Man chuckles to himself and nods his head.

Peter:  “No!  What do you mean ‘that’s classic?‘  It’s disgusting.”

God:  “Oh lighten up.  You know…the irony.”

Peter:  “Irony?”

God:  “Yeah.”

Peter:  “Well, he also slept with Sister Helen!”

God:  “Called it!”

Peter stares blankly at God then turns to the man.  Man smirks.

Peter:  “Sir, you’re going to have to leave.”

Man:  “But he-”

Peter:  “Michael!”

Michael the archangel walks out.

Peter:  “Michael, would you please show this man to purgatory?”

Michael:  “No problem.  Let’s go little man.”

Michael begins walking him away.  Peter takes a deep breath and composes himself.

Peter:  “Next in line, ple-”

Peter stops and looks to the side seeing Michael laughing with the man in the distance.

Peter:  “What the hell’s wrong with this place?”

As he says this he looks up towards God and sees Him smiling and waving goodbye.

Peter [to himself]:  “God…damnit.”