An Email From Someone Who Just Found Out He Will Be On This Week's 'To Catch A Predator,' To His Entire Address Book

To: [All Family]; [All Friends]
Subj: Friday Night from 8:45 – 10:15

Hey everybody,

It’s been a while since I’ve seen a lot of you guys, so I thought I’d invite all of you over to my house on Friday night from 8:45 till 10:15.  It’s gonna be so much fun.  I rented all kinds of DVDs and I have a ton of board games. Boggle, anyone? Plus, free brewskies!  My cable isn’t working so we can’t watch TV, but who cares, right?  Most stuff on TV is just lies.  I mean, they call it “reality TV” but that’s definitely not really what happened.  They ruin people’s lives just to get ratings, you know?

Anyway, I really need you to arrive at precisely 8:45 and leave no sooner than 10:15. OK? I just feel like anything less than that won’t be enough to really hang out.  And I miss you guys!  Like Bill – last time I saw your family, little Charlotte could only have been 6 or 7!  And Brian- Are you still a lawyer? We’re such good buds that I know I would do all your taxes for free no matter what my boss says, just like I know you would represent me pro bono if I needed you to. That’s why we’ve all gotta hang out for exactly that hour and a half.

Mom, I bet you’re wondering why you and dad are on this list.  Well, I’ll tell you why. I want my friends to meet the man and woman who raised me and who are accountable for all of my actions and/or personality traits.  It’s all them, people.

Totally off topic, but can anyone define entrapment?  I know, I know, I’m a part time history professor, I should know this- but I teach World History, not U.S. History at the community college.

Anyway, I realize that some of you live far away, and you may not be able to make it this Friday from 8:45 to 10:15. That’s fine. If you’ll be at home, there’s going to be an incredible documentary on PBS about fashion design in the 1920’s. Oh man, what I wouldn’t give to watch that! Also, PBS doesn’t have commercials, so you won’t ever have to change the channel! I heard TV scientists are calling it “the greatest single piece of filmed television ever produced.“  Also I heard Bank of America sponsored the show, and they’re giving out $1,000 every minute for the full hour and half. Stuff like that is why PBS is great and not a bunch of life-ruining scumbags. 

Anyway, I hope you guys can all make it over to my place this Friday from 8:45 till 10:15.  If you need directions, you can always grab them off my MySpace (myspace.com/HistoryProf32).  If you need a ride, I’ll come pick you up.  For those of you who live in other states, I was thinking of chartering a luxury bus for everyone – I just need a head count, so RSVP. I really want all of you to come over on Friday from 8:45 till 10:15.

Oh, one last thing: I need a Russian passport. Can anyone help me out?