Realistic Batman

by Alex Ringgaard on August 7, 2009

Bruce Wayne walks into the kitchen of Wayne Manor.

Alfred: Good afternoon Master Wayne. I was making you breakfast, but then I noticed what the time was and upgraded it to a brunch.

Bruce: Brunch? What time is it?

Alfred: 1 p.m. sir.

Bruce: 1 p.m.! Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!

Alfred: Something wrong sir?

Bruce: I was supposed to meet Gordon down at the docks at 11 a.m. to stop some thugs from shipping in drugs. Why didn’t you wake me earlier?

Alfred: I’m sorry sir, but you haven’t told me you had plans.

The phone rings.

Bruce: That’s him now. He picks up the phone. This is the batman.

Gordon: Where the fuck are you? You were supposed to meet me 2 hours ago!

Bruce: I was? Today? I thought we said Sunday?

Gordon: No, we said Wednesday, how could you have misheard that as Sunday?

Bruce: Oh I see the problem. I’m looking at the calendar right now and it says that it is Friday today. Someone must have messed with it. I think Alfred is behind it, I swear sometimes he forgets his own name. I should probably let him go, but he has been with our family for so long, you know? Anyways, we’ll catch them another time, I’m sure. Keep your chin up.

Gordon: There won’t be a nex-

Bruce: Oops. Tunnel up ahead, got to go. Bye.

He hangs up the phone.

Bruce: Phew, Dodged a bullet there.
—————
�

Later on in the evening.

Alfred: Look Mr. Wayne! The bat signal is in the sky. Gotham needs you!

Bruce Wayne enters in his Batman suit.

Bruce: One step ahead of you. Now… where did I put my car keys?

Alfred: Lost them again, sir?

Bruce: I could have sworn I left them in the ignition, but I checked both the car and the entire cave, and they’re nowhere to be found.

Alfred: Well, I haven’t seen them. Try and retrace your steps.

Bruce: Ok. I came in from last night, and they showed that really awesome movie – The phone rings – oh hold on, it’s Gordon again. This is the Batman.

Gordon: Are you on your way or not? What’s taking so long?

Bruce: Yeah I’m on my way. It’s just that I had to ehm… oh look there is that tunnel again, got to go.

Gordon: Gotham doesn’t have any tunn – Bruce hangs up the phone.

Bruce: Close one.

He puts his cell back in his pocket.

Bruce: Oh look what I found; my keys. They are always in the last place you look. Am I right?

Alfred: Right you are, sir.
—————
�

Batman is in the interrogation room with The Joker.

The Joker: He’s at 250 52 Street, and she’s at Avenue X by Cicero.

Gordon: Which one are you going after?

Batman: Rachel!

He jumps on his Bat-Bike and drives off. Five minutes later.

Batman: Where the fuck am I? Maybe I should have taken a left back there. Shit! This isn’t good. I’ll just ask that man running over there. Excuse me, sir? Could you tell me the way to Avenue X?

Gordon: Batman?! What are you doing? Why aren’t you saving Rachel?

Batman: Gordon! It’s you, ehm; I’m just messing with you.

Gordon: What? Rachel’s life is in danger! Why aren’t you saving her instead of messing with me?

Batman: There is plenty of time, chillax. I’ll just take a right turn up here, and then I’m practically there, right?

Gordon: Avenue X is on the left! On the left!

Batman: KIDDING again! Haha, of course I know where it is haha. Later.

5 minutes later.

Batman: Shit, I’m lost again. I have for sure been here before; I must be going in circles. Why are there no signs in this city?

Two explosions can be heard all over Gotham.

Batman: Gosh darn it! Missed it by that much.

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