Channel Bios (If Channels Were People)

ABC Family – ABC’s younger sister, ABC Family loves appealing to teenage audiences. She’s put on a daring show, undermining her “family” aspect, The Secret Life of the American Teenager. ABC Family enjoys overplaying animated movies, and putting on the same front every holiday.

ESPN – ESPN is the proud father of many chilren, bearing branched names. He presents you with sports every day and will not be called a sissy. ESPN is manly and he knows it, sucking up every possible amount fo time from the average husband’s day, leaving wives unhappy and doing housework…Which leads us to our next channel.

HGTV – The gnarled wife of ESPN, HGTV has dedicated her life to home decorating, gardening, remodeling, etc. and staying as far away from sports as possible. She markets a modern, stylish lifestyle, and has competitors such as the diy network and FLN. When you’re around HGTV, you have the sudden urge to decorate bookshelves with useless knick knacks and buy multi-use home furnishings. Basically, Martha Stewart just threw up on you.

Comedy Central – Comedy Central is the class clown. He has his fair share of friends and his fair share of enemies, like that hot chick next door’s dad, who frowns upon CC’s frequent use of curse words and the fact that he lives in South Park. CC presents his bros with other funny people, whom you could easily rip jokes off of and make your friends think you’re funnier than you actually are.

CNN – Ashton Kutcher beat her at a “game” of twitter. She may never get to live that down, but CNN still continues to do what she’s been doing for years – giving people horrible news and making them feel worse, with the occasional uplifting spurt of good news being done in a place you’ve never heard of.