Roommate Confessions: Issue 89

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

Karen, remember how you used to leave the light on 24 hours a day trying to grow a simple houseplant? Couldn’t open the blinds? No, someone might peak in and Daddy was paying your half of the bills – even though you were THIRTY and living in campus housing. Remember how you obsessed over that damn plant – talking to it, rearranging the lamp, buying a larger watt bulb, yelling at me when you’d find the lamp turned off? Then one day you found your plant a crisp, brown mass? Well, I fed it toilet bowl cleaner. Death was quick.
E W, Vincennes University

My roommate lives downstairs and one night got creeped out because she found a spider on her bed. She started sleeping in the un-rented room upstairs claiming it would only be for a few days. After two months I got sick of her living in the upstairs room when her downstairs room was less rent. So one day I told her she needed to move her stuff out because someone was coming to look at the room. She said okay but when I showed the room all her sh*t was still in there. I locked the door so when she got back she couldn’t get her stuff. We didn’t have the key to the room so she had to wait 2 weeks without her laptop, phone, and makeup until the land lord could come and unlock the door.
Bailey L, University of Lethbridge

I live with this fat lazy douche-bag that never leaves the room and sits up til all hours of the morning playing World of Warcraft or whatever. I got pretty fed up with having to sleep to the glow of the monitor and the clicking of the damn keyboard, followed usually by him looking up porn with the sound ON when he thinks I’m asleep so me and one of my mates pulled out the heavy wooden desk his computer is set up on and put a timer switch between the power lead and the wall. He still hasn’t figured out why the computer turns off for five minutes at a time every hour after 11pm.
Brad A., Johnson C. Smith University

Hey ex-roomie. I loved how you played “Hey There Delilah” on your guitar until 3 o’ clock in the morning the entire first semester. That was nothing compared to how much I loved your switch to “Waiting On The World To Change” during 2nd semester. In fact, I loved it so much that I flossed my taint with your power cord. Oh, and the drumsticks that you and your annoying religious-freak girlfriend would use to pound on the stupid Rock Band drum set? Yeah, I definitely stuck one in my girlfriend’s hoo-ha before we had sex on your bed.PS you look like one of the Jonas Brothers’ butt buddies.
Bobby Tucker, Texas A&M

I was working part-time at an amusement park and my job was to make sure the passengers were strapped in before we could start the ride. I saw my ex-boyfriend’s sister (who I stopped dating because of her) who I’ve hated ever since we started dating (4 years ago). She didn’t recognize me, but I made sure I “accidentally” missed her seat belt (which she didn’t strap in properly). I laughed as I watched the poor bitch clinging onto the handle bars for dear life on a roller coaster with plenty of helix turns. When the train arrived at the platform, I smiled as she got off, shaken. I asked her how the ride was, and she just glared at me and stormed off. That’s for ruining my one good relationship, bitch.
T.L., School Not Given

Submit yours here!