Massachusetts Law Enforcement: A 300 Year Tradition

Even where one is so fortunate, whether by circumstance or reputation, as to be held in pre-eminent standing amongst his fellowes, he may, nonetheless, be subjected to humiliation at the whim or caprice of the motherf*cking five-oh.

-from Poor Richard's Almanack

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REDCOAT:  Occupant!  Wouldst thou step outside, so that we may converse? I am a soldier of His Majesty's Infantry.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN:  I shall do no such thing. This property is private and you are most assuredly unwelcome upon it! Begone forthwith!

REDCOAT: I shall not, for I am here on official duty.  A woman not fifty paces from this door did witness two men attempting, for nefarious purposes, to force entry upon the premises.  She saw that one such malefactor wore his hair long and had eyes quite beady, thusly matching your description.  She sounded an emergency call by running through yon village square screaming and flailing her arms about, and she was seen to cause quite a commotion.  Please step outside.

FRANKLIN: Why?  Because I am a colonist upon this American soil, thusly subjected to the tyrannical yoke of the Crown?  I am a resident ensconced within his dwelling, and here I shall remain.

REDCOAT:  I find it incumbent upon me, nonetheless to inquire further.  Dost any unseen person take shelter within yonder house?

FRANKLIN: Only myself, and my retinue of whores.  I have returned this very day from travels abroad, and you have interrupted my celebration.  Take your leave, for we are occupied in most pleasurable congress.

REDCOAT:  I shall not depart, unless you provide a lawful deed establishing indubitably that you are the rightful occupant of this house.

FRANKLIN:  Thou hast no idea with whom thou messes.

REDCOAT:  I urge you to comply, lest I affix my bayonet.

FRANKLIN: Very well, then.  Observe at your pleasure my signed and witnessed deed of ownership, though I will assuredly be lodging a vociferous complaint regarding your ungentlemanly comportment.

REDCOAT:  This deed is not sealed with the required tax stamp, as is mandated by Royal decree.

FRANKLIN:  I swear upon my honor that I applied a proper stamping only last night to your mama, by which I mean to say that, while I engaged in intercourse upon her person, I slapped her rump and thighs with my flat, open hand until her flesh became quite warm and ruddy.

REDCOAT:  Your insolence is disruptive, and stokes the flames of revolution.  Also, my mother has been in the ground these many years and was, furthermore, a saint.  Therefore, I place you under arrest, in the King's name.  Present your skinny little wrists, that I may bind them with shackles.

FRANKLIN:  Shackles? Outrageous!  I am aged and infirm.  Observe, I walk with the aid of a cane.

REDCOAT:  All complaints may be rendered at such time as is appropriate to a magistrate duly appointed by His Majesty to oversee such matters.

FRANKLIN:  This is what happens to a colonist upon this American soil!  This is what happens to a colonist upon this American soil!