Welcome to Fox River Maximum Security Dorm

Jon: Hey, you must be my roommate, Horace. I’m –

H-Job: Shut the hell up, man. I ain’t no Horace. I’m your new cellie, name’s H-Job.

Jon: …oookay. You’re a little older than I-

H-Job: WANT ME TO SHIV YOU, FISH? I said shut the f*ck up and in H-Job’s dorm cell you listen to what H-Job says. So what you in for?

Jon: Pre-Med.

H-Job: Ooo, rough, fish. That’s some hard time you got ahead of you. I’m doin’ 5 years, 4 with good behavior.

Jon: What’re you in for?

H-Job: My dad was gonna put me away for Pre-Law, but after I appealed I got it down to Tourism and Hotel Management.

RA: Heyyyy guys. I’m your RA, Douglas – but you guys can call me Warden Stanwick! Jay kay! Warden Doug’s fine. So…did anyone in here try to make wine in one of the toilets down the hall? I know everyone says I’m the “cool warden,” but we have a strict toilet alcohol policy on this floor. Also there’s a kid shivved in that stall.

H-Job: You wanna explain to me why the f*ck the paper on our door says my name is “Horace?” Name’s H-Job, warden! I got a rep to keep up.

RA: Ahhh, you. You’re the freshman who was trying to jam cigarettes in the soda machine. And the one who raped me in the shower this morning.

H-Job: Well what the hell else was I supposed to do? First day if I don’t make someone my bitch, I’m gonna be the bitch!

RA: Now my door is always open, but not my back door. Ya hear me, Horace? Quiet lockdown is in fifteen minutes, so I’ll see you guys tomorrow for some ice breakers! And H-Job, if I find an ice pick on you, I will write you up.

Jon: I think I should request a single…

H-Job: Fish, you’re gonna request a single ice pick be removed from your brain you keep talkin’ like that.

Jon: Oh. Okay. So…I’m guessing you didn’t bring the TV?

H-Job: What? Naw man, I brought the mini-fridge.

Jon: Great. Now we have two fridges. You want the top bunk or the bottom-

H-Job: THAT BOTTOM IS MINE! Speaking of…you look like you could use a shower…bitch. Don’t forget to wear your shower flip flops though. It’s gross in there.