Girls, Girls, Girls

The title might be a bit of a misnomer…contrary to its indication…girls are not the target demographic. Enjoy…no hate mail please :)

You know the saying…“Men are dogs”…its as popular as that annoying commercial “$5 foot long” that every visor wearing broschi’ says “thats what she said he he he” after. Yeah well…if men are dogs…then women are the perpetual leash holding, deceiving, dog watchers that kick puppies when the owner isn’t looking. Thats right…women are just as bad if not worse than men. The only reason you don’t see movies that are called “SHE’S just not that into you”, “What MEN want” or shows called “I WANT Sex in the City” is because generally, a guy doesn’t bitch to his friends constantly about his problems while eating Rocky Road and looking at old prom pictures wondering “What happened?.” I’m not saying that guys don’t vent…we do. Hell, I myself have had a couple of bonding moments with my boys over some broad who mind fucked me so hard that my brain had to file charges on her vagina. But when men vent, we do it with discretion…with class…basically…with a LOT of alcohol and only our closest friends. Give me a 3 day bender, a  2 day hangover and 1 bottle of aspirin and we’re back like Mickey Rourke. But no…girls have to talk to every fucking person they can and tell them how much of a dick “so and so” is and how he broke her heart and bla bla bla. Do you really think your hair dresser gives a shit about your shitty boy problems? All she cares about are your split ends and her daughters future crack addiction. I swear, women make breaks up and fuck ups public information that, thanks to text messaging and fat lonely girl friends, becomes convoluted into anti-dick propaganda. You have shows like sex and the city glorifying being over 35 and single and saying “It’s ok…you dont need a man as long as there are still AA batteries!” and “Men lie…your better off lying alone.” Whatever….I’ve been lied to more times than a white man with a black kid. My favorite lie is probably…“Im a Virgin”. I love hearing those words. Look…a virgin who wants to have sex won’t say shit until its over or until she’s done crying. A girl only says those words for two reasons. Either she doesn’t want to have sex or she wants you to think its “special”. If you don’t want to have sex…thats cool…I’ve been blown off before and I’m not arrogant enough to think it wont happen again (unless i use some Chloroform…kidding). If a girl tells me she’s a virgin, its kinda like telling me she saw a UFO. 1) I don’t care. 2) I don’t believe her. and 3) We are still not having sex.  If you do want to have sex but you want me to thinks its “special”, then tell me I have the biggest penis you’ve ever seen; I’m gonna think your lying either way but at least this way I wont feel guilty about not pulling out. Another one of my favorite feminine lies has probably got to be “He’s just a friend!”. Are you shitting me? Trust me guys…he’s NEVER just a friend. When you hear those words…just add “…that wants to back door my gf” at the end. He’s a GUY and unless he’s gay or has a gf…scratch that…unless hes GAY…he wants to fuck your girlfriend. I’m not talking about college experimenting kind of gay either…I’m talking about Super, I love Orlando Bloom, Clay Aiken is my Idol, kind of gay. I used to not be a jealous guy…I really wasn’t; but I’ve ridden that “just a friend” train both ways and let me tell you, 9/10 times the last stop is always “Penetration Station.” I’ve been on both sides of the rails fellas and what boggles the fuck out of me is that when women tell you that he’s just a friend…they don’t know they are lying…they really don’t. They never see it coming..not until its too late and there’s a semi naked lab partner in her bed trying to figure out a way to leave the room without waking her up from a pizza/Smirnoff/mediocre sex induced coma. And of course the boyfriend is ALWAYS the bad guy. “Omg Tommy…i don’t know what to do…Jason is like…sooo jealous of you and like…i tell him ur just a friend but like…i don’t know…”. And what does that douche bag Tommy say? “Well Britney…it seems to me that he’s insecure and doesn’t have enough faith in your relationship to trust you.” or something to the effect of “FUCK Jason.” All poor Jason is trying to do is figure out why Tommy and Brit are spending so much time together. So he sends his friends Zack and Billy to spy and next thing you know…Brit finds out, freaks, and begins riding Tommy’s bologne pony that very night. (Yes I’m fully aware I only used the names of the original Power Rangers…don’t judge me) I’m not giving any advice here because I LOVE hooking up with other guys’ girlfriend’s. You may say it’s against guy code, i say if i dont know the mother fucker, than i could give two shits. Better him than me right? Are u kidding me? No strings attached sex that no one can find out about? I’m all for it. And no I’m not a hypocrite, i fully believe in karma and the way i see it, Karma OWES me.  Really guys, the only thing to do here is to “Fuck” like there’s no tomorrow and “go down” like you’re George Foreman in Manila. I will leave you with a quote that i hold dear to my heart….ahem.

“Condoms are like newspapers…they may be filled with important stuff now…but you don’t want them laying around on the floor in the morning.” – V.W.