A Conversation Between a Capri Sun and a Straw

Straw: Come on babe, give it up.

Capri Sun: I don’t think I’m ready…

Straw: You never let me in. If you loved me, you’d want me to be the first.

Capri Sun: I do, I do!

Straw: Then let me break the seal.

Capri Sun: I can’t! I guess it’s just the way I was made.

Straw: Ugh, this was so much easier with Hi-C…

Capri Sun: You wanna go there? Then how about we talk about Junior Juice!

Straw: Look, she told me she was 18.

Capri Sun: Bullsh*t, she’s tiny. I honestly don’t understand how she could satisfy anyone.

Straw: I’m sorry, OK? It didn’t mean anything to me. You’re different than other juiceboxes.

Capri Sun: Then why can’t you respect my decision to save myself?

Straw: LOOK BITCH, I WANT AT YOUR SWEET JUICES!

Capri Sun: Straw, NO!

Straw throws himself at Capri Sun, attempting to forcefully penetrate her. In his frenzy, he completely bends and mangles himself.

Straw: cough …Ugh.

Capri Sun: Oh God, Straw. What did you do to yourself?

Straw: …Was it worth it? The Banana Blast?

Capri Sun: sobbing Probably not.

Straw: …Tell my parents I didn’t die for banana juice.