Woodstock '09

Ryan Seacrest: Hey guys! Just wanted to say welcome and thank you all for coming to Woodstock ’09! WOOOO!

(Aging boomers cheer; most others are too busy twittering about how lame Ryan Seacrest is to cheer)

Seacrest: I do have you alert you about one thing everyone. It’s come to my attention that there are some bad Apple products being passed around, so you’re going to want to avoid any iPods or MacBooks that you see in case they’re infected. Anyone who’s already used one can just head over to one of Best Buy’s “bad tube” tents to calm down and get repairs for a nominal fee.

Gen Y: Geez, what is this, a peace festival or a PC festival?

Gen X: Ha! Good one!

Aging Boomer: Wait, is Apple the same thing as Macintosh?

Seacrest: Alright guys, this next act is brought to you by McDonald’s and Coca Cola, and trust me when I say that he’s going to make that $8.00 convenience fee totally worth it. Please welcome to the stage Will.i.am!

(Aging boomers cheer tepidly in hopes of convincing everyone else they know who this is; most others are too busy twittering about how awesome Will.i.am is to cheer)

Will.i.am: Thanks everyone! And a special thanks to those of you who helped me when I was campaigning for Barack Obama! It’s support like yours that gives me confidence that we’re raising a generation of Americans who aren’t afraid to gradually change the system from within through a series of drawn-out watered down compromises!

Seacrest: Right on, Will! Sorry to interrupt guys, but it looks like it’s gonna start raining, so I wanted to let you know that they’ll be selling ponchos at the Halliburton tent for $9.50 a piece! Rock and roll!

Aging Boomer: Halliburton? Aren’t those the guys who made a ton of money war profiteering or something?

Gen Y: Who cares, bro, I’m not getting drafted. Now come on, I paid 50 bucks for this shirt, so let’s go buy some ponchos before it gets wet.

Gen X: We should probably each get two. That way our laptops can also stay dry.

Gen Y: Yeah, good idea.

Aging Boomer: Don’t you guys at least want to drop some acid first?

Gen Y: Acid? What, is that some new iPhone app for chem majors or something?
Aging Boomer: That’s it, I’m done.

(The aging boomers retreat en masse to listen to Joan Baez 45s and watch The Big Chill until senility gently overtakes them and they forget they ever came here)

Gen X: What was that guy’s problem?

Gen Y: I don’t know, dude. Hey, you still got that meth on you?

Gen X: Totally. Let’s do it.