You booked a cruise. And you're pumped.

But you have work to do before you sail into the sunset of debauchery.

First things first.

Congratulations. You made a fantastic life decision.

You had the gusto to pay $300 to jump on a boat full of drunken idiots.

And you're probably going to a tourist trap where the only realcultural experience available is the poverty streaming from roadsideconch fritter vendors who exploit their children for free labor.

That's awesome.

But it's not enough that you're going.

You must ensure that all acquaintances know that you're going, knowthat you got a great deal on the trip and feel unequivocal jealousytoward you.

Essentially, you need to communicate this simple message.

And you need to communicate it with great efficiency. And by efficiency I mean, obnoxious self-promotion.

To do this, you're going to need to dive into the pile of useless crap learned in high school and pull out the lesson from day one, sophomore English: "How to Write an Essay."

Remember the three steps to five paragraph bliss and honor roll inclusion?

1. Tell them what you're going to say
2. Say it.
3. Tell them what you said.

This strategy accommodated your teacher's multi-tasking capabilities, allowing him/her to grade your essay while sipping on beers and watching football.

And now, it will help you promote your upcoming work escape.

More specifically, you must utilize this strategy in as many communication mediums as possible.

Here's how.

Top 5 Ways to Publicize the Sh*t Out of Your Cruise Before You Lose Reception

1. Yo big ol' mouth-

How many people do you talk to on a regular basis? Lots right? That's good.

How many will ask about your cruise? Not many. But that doesn't matter.

"Well, how do I tell them about my cruise, how awesome it will be and how awesome I am for going on it?" – You wonder.

Simple. You work it in. Regardless of subject matter.

Example:

"Hey [Insert Name], did you finish that report that's due tomorrow? I was about to start on mine." – Any Person (but preferably one who is not going on the cruise with you).

"Oh, yah, I started it last night. Because I leave for a CRUISE in 3 weeks." – Shameless Cruise Promoter (You).

See? That was easy.

2. Facebook -
Facebook promotional efforts can begin as early as one month out. And fortunately, Facebook offers many options for self-promotion. You can:

i. Update your status daily with a countdown of days, hours, seconds left before you become more awesome than everyone else.
ii. Create a photo album titled "CRUISE TO [LOCATION], PICS COMING SOON BITCHES!"
iii. Start an "I'm going on a cruise. What are YOU doing next week?" Group. Invite all friends to join. Bonus points: Create a fake Facebook account and have a conversation between yourself and your fake Facebook persona detailing why the cruise will be awesome, how cheap you booked it for, how much fun you had on your last cruise and why this one will be even better.
iv. Become a Fan of "Cruises," of the location you are sailing to, and of the cruise line that will deliver you there
v. Utilize promotional efforts from "Yo Big Ol' Mouth." Turn all wall posts or comments into spring boards for a discussion about your cruise.

3. Myspace –
This is really only an option if your cruise will be departing from the year 2000. Or you're a pedophile. Sorry.

4. Twitter –
If you have a Twitter account, you're either a shameless self-promoter of side projects or you enjoy sharing every thought/action with friends and people you don't know. Perfect. To fully utilize this medium, just make sure you stay on task. This means all genuine communication must cease. Stop retweeting. Stop sharing musical preferences. People don't give a shit about the new picture frames you got on sale. I know, shopping victories are tweetastic. But to tweet about your recent domination over name brands at Marshall's would be a detriment to your cruise promotion efforts. And if you braved the MySpace bulletin area to promote, you have too much at stake.

5. PostCard –
Postcards are the ultimate post-trip promotional tool. These add slight insult to injury because the postcard will likely arrive after the time period your friends set aside to allow you to talk endlessly about your trip. They're exhausted from listening to you babble about the hot members of the opposite sex, your bar tab and the belly flip contest. They thought it was over. But it's not. Because you had the foresight to send a postcard.

Good luck and happy self-promotion.