Suburban Middle School Fight Club Rules

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club, except in vague, cryptic terms to hot high school girls. You know, like, not enough to let any of them know exactly what it is, but enough to maybe intrigue or impress them a little.

The second rule of Fight Club is you DO NOT talk about Fight Club, but you can talk about it in vague, cryptic terms to people that hot high school girls hang out with and talk to a lot, too. Like, in case they might want to mention something about it to them, or whatever.

Third rule of Fight Club: If Assistant Principal Vernon or Coach Simons sees us, the fight is over. Everyone just pretend we’re in an after-school cooking club or something.

Fourth rule: Only two guys to a fight. And neither of them is allowed to give out any injuries that don’t look cool. So like, black eyes are ok, but no fat lips or anything. My brother told me high school girls don’t like fat lips.

Fifth rule: One fight at a time. Wait, that’s totally the exact same rule as the one in the movie! See, this is so legit!

Sixth rule: No shirts, unless some girls start watching, in which case we should put them back on quickly until we develop chest hair, abs, and pectoral muscles.

The Seventh rule: Fights will go on for as long as it takes our parents to get off work and come pick us up. So probably, like, fiveish?

And the Eighth and Final rule: If you’ve taken any type of karate classes, or play contact sports, or have hit puberty already, you’re not allowed to fight. I mean, we don’t want anyone getting hurt or embarrassed or anything.