Kate Winslet Was A Surprisingly Annoying Date

Kate Winslet picked me up Thursday evening in a neon-green 2003 Honda Accord. Her car had a massive spoiler, and decals that read “NAUGHGY GIRL” and “VOLUNTEER FIREFIGHTERS = HOT” on the rear windshield.  Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumper” was blasting from the radio, and I could see the 5-time Oscar nominee inside singing along with the “He drinks a whiskey drink/He drinks a vodka drink” part—though she couldn’t keep up with the guy in the song, and sort of mumbled along until the “I get knocked down…” chorus arrived.

I got in and told Kate Winslet how big a fan I was. The Titanic star cut me off, shouting, “Whasuuuuuuuup?” like in those late-‘90s Budweiser commercials—except hers went on a really, really long time. I mean a good 15 seconds, easy, during which I smiled awkwardly and touched stuff on the dashboard until she finished.

I asked Kate Winslet what she felt like doing. She said she “absolutely had“ to see Epic Movie.  I’m not sure if she meant this rhetorically, or if she was literally required to see the film as part of some Screen Actors’ Guild bylaw, but we drove to the theater downtown regardless. During the show, Kate Winslet would periodically grow bored and shout lines from some of her movies—although not necessary her lines. In fact, she eventually began shouting random quotes from pictures she had nothing to do with—specifically the phrase, “Snoochie boochies!” She also did the Budweiser thing a few more times.

After the film, we grabbed a drink at the TGI Friday’s across the street, where Kate Winslet ordered a “Señor Tornado”: some sort of frozen blue cocktail served in an oversized margarita glass with a pinwheel—“to protect you from its mango breeze,” as the bartender explained. I didn’t bother asking him what kind of protection from the weather—mango or otherwise—a pinwheel could provide, but instead proposed a toast to Kate Winslet’s recent Academy Award nomination, telling her how powerful I thought her performance was. Kate Winslet repeated my exact words in a high-pitched, effeminate voice. “Are you copying me?” I asked. This too, Kate Winslet repeated in an effeminate voice.

We pulled up to my apartment around 11 o’clock. I stepped out of the car and walked around to Kate Winslet’s window. I thanked her for a wonderful evening. She leaned out, kissed my cheek, and looked tenderly into my eyes like she had done in a thousand heartbreaking performances as she said, “Oh behave,“ and drove away.