A team of researchers in Zurich, Switzerland has come to a startling conclusion regarding the nighttime security habits of young children. According to the results of the group's three year study of monster attack prevention techniques among children ages 3-9, household lights do little to deter the threat of monster attacks.
"Contrary to popular belief, monsters seem only to be angered by the light emitted from household light bulbs. This is doubly true of the dim glow emitted by televisions and night-lights," said Bjorn Svelkdter, the team's leading scientist. "What we're suggesting now is that children either sleep in the daytime or not at all."
This suggestion has not been well received by the adolescent community, with children at elementary schools worldwide speaking out against the newly suggested sleeping habits. "If we can't sleep at night, how will we wait for Santa?" is the question on the mind of Jeffery Little, an eight year old from Charleston, South Carolina. When asked if he had any suggestions as to how to deal with the monster threat, Jeffery suggested that "Superman and Batman and The Hulk should beat them [the monsters] up", later adding "Spiderman too, he's my favorite."
Given the possible holiday related implications of the research, major toy stores in the United States have teamed up to develop an answer to the monster problem. "If those damned ghosts and bogeymen think that they'll cause a sales drop in the fourth quarter of this or any other year, they can think again. We've got top men working on solutions ranging from Nerf Monster Mashers' to No More Skeletons in My Dream Closet' Barbie"
Still, for some it seems that solutions to the childhood demon problem are not coming soon enough. John Roca, a 39 year old senior technician for an emergency power restoration company in Winter Park, Fl, recently lost his seven year old son Donny to what he believes was a troll attack. "I went in to my Donny's room to wake him up for school, and all I saw was a pile of dust resting on top of his pillow. That dust used to be his bones." Roca states that he had always taught his son to "hide under the covers" if he suspected that there was a monster in his bedroom, but it appears that no amount of linens could have saved Donny.
With attacks like this one becoming more common across our nation and the world as a whole, it seems as though the research data from teams like Svelkdter's can't come out soon enough. Monster-oriented think tanks are springing up everywhere, all with the same shibboleth, first coined by a junior assistant on the Zurich team: "We'll beat the monsters. It doesn't matter if we have to kill fucking Dracula, we will put an end to this."