Roommate Confessions: Issue 91

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

It was me who burned off your beard with a lighter when you were passed out. I wasn’t mad at you, and you were a great roommate. It just seemed like a funny thing to do at the time. No hard feelings.
R.J. Pallari, CSU Fresno

At the end of the spring semester of my freshmen year, I yelled at my roommate for trying to unplug the fridge with a snack pack pudding in there. I mean, who the hell wants a warm snack pack.
Daniel H, SUNY Plattsburgh

You know how you never do dishes, and stay up playing loud music, and how your going out with my best friend but wont sleep with him because you’re ‘saving yourself.’ Well last St Pattys day we all got drunk. You passed out on your bed while me and your boyfriend had sex 10 feet away in mine. He had to get it somewhere!
Rachel, School Not Given

I was living with my girlfriend of three years in an apartment junior year, when I found out she has been cheating on me with some frat douchebag for a month. I confronted her about it, and broke up with her two weeks later. She called me an idiot for taking so long to break up with her. It just takes a lot of planning, time, and effort to carefully switch out her birth control pills with sugar pills, and make it look like nothing happened. Good luck with child support, bitch.
Johnathan N., School Not Given

I have horrible upstairs neighbors. They have wooden floors and stomp around all the time purposely to annoy me, throw outrageous parties that make it unbearable to do anything, and the worse part is that they have sex really loud all the time. I’m no prude, but this isn’t even attractive sounding sex. Or even sex that sounds like sex at first listen. No, no. They make the kind of love you’d think dinosaurs with Downs Syndrome and one leg between them would have. I’ve asked them to keep it down repeatedly – I’m a reasonable person for the most part – but they just got louder! And louder and louder and louder… So a few days ago I found the girl outside waiting for her car to be fixed up (kudos to whoever slashed her tires!) and I started to pretend to talk to somebody on my cellphone about the crazy sex I’ve been having with a guy in my building. I then perfectly described her boyfriend. They broke up soon after that and living here is so much better now.
Liz, Northern

Submit yours here!