Pop Culture CliffsNotes: August 21

Alyssa Milano is married and Marky Mark almost died?? Early 90s You is having the worst week ever! (Popoholic, Celebslam)

As IF.

The cast of the new season of Dancing With The Stars was announced this week, and is it just me, or are they getting closer and closer to actual stars?  I mean, Entourage’s Debi Mazar?  Hall-of-Famer Michael Irvin?  Macy Gray?  Oh okay, thank god.  (DListed)

A ‘sex tape’ featuring Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart and Kari Ann Peniche leaked to the internet this week, except it’s not really a sex tape, it’s more of a three-naked-people-hanging-out-and-talking tape.  Lame.  If I wanted to see that, I’d go find a sauna. (Egotastic)

This week, Brad Pitt told Bill Maher that he stopped smoking weed when he became a father.  OR DID HE!?  A few days later on The Howard Stern Show, Quentin Tarantino revealed that they had smoked together a year ago, around the time his fifth and sixth kids were born.  Coincidence??  I think pot. (Celebslam, DListed)

This week, Kanye finally lived up to his self-proclaimed grandeur.  Well, he didn’t personally, but his girlfriend Amber Rose did, by prancing around topless.  The string bikini bottom is really just a formality at this point.  How proper! (Hollywood Tuna)

Not to be outdone by some nobody, Beyonce (Sasha Fierce?) hit the pool in a bathing suit that her ass just could not stop eating.  Her ass : Kirstie Alley :: That bathing suit : A box of chocolate donuts.  S.A.T. prep, WHAT. (WWTDD)

Michael Jackson’s personal physician, Dr. Conrad Murray, may be charged with manslaughter this week, after giving Michael intravenous sleep-aids hours before his death.  He also creepily whispered ‘good night, sweet prince,’ as he was doing it, so that certainly isn’t helping his case.  (Celebslam)

Madonna went on vacation with her diverse clan this week, including her own personal Mary Poppins umbrella holder.  Because everyone knows if the sun touches her skin it will burst into flames. (WWTDD)

Gwyneth Paltrow is making friends left and right.  Currently she’s off being snobby on the set of Iron Man 2, where the cast and crew would rather hang out with her husband Chris Martin than her.  Recast? (IDLYITW)

George Clooney is suing this week, after a photographer climbed over the wall of his estate and took topless pictures of a 13-year-old girl changing in one of his guest rooms.  Jesus Christ, paparazzi.  How did you get over that wall!?!  Bad-ass!! (WWTDD)

Former trashy reality dating contestant Ryan Jenkins became a ‘person of interest’ this week in the killing of former Playboy bunny Jasmine Fiore, making him the clear front-runner to host ‘Who Wants To Murder A Stripper?’, this fall on VH1. (WWTDD)

This week, 41-year-old Celine Dion announced her second pregnancy with husband and manager Rene Angelil.  Based on the music surrounding the unborn child, doctors have already confirmed that the fetus is gay. (Celebslam)

Cleave of the week!  This week’s cleave comes from Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively, who somehow bribed gravity to keep that dress in place.  Damn you, Gravity!  Stop being so corrupt and let us see some tatties. (Hollywood Tuna)

The teaser trailer for James Cameron’s upcoming, much-anticipated Avatar was released this week, and let’s just say Twilight New Moon Trailer : Tween Girls :: Avatar Trailer : Nerds.  I am nailing this S.A.T. (Popoholic)

And just to top off this delicious sundae of a column, here are a couple cherries in the form of sexy photoshoots from Keira Knightley and Evan Rachel Wood.  Try not to get that chocolate sauce on yourself. (Egotastic, Derekhail)

Last but not least, this week’s Still Got It.  It was not even a competition this week, just a full sweep by Steven Tyler.  Steven!  Eat something!  And also, burn those glasses, yikes. (WWTDD)