Staff Picks

Nick Cage and His Agent

by Dan Howard on August 31, 2009

�Phonecall:

�Result:

Cage: Nick Cage’s phone. This is Nick Cage.

Cage’s Agent: Nick, baby, I got a movie offer for you on my desk.

Cage: I’ll do it.

Cage’s Agent: Don’t you want to see a script or something?

Cage: I haven’t read a script since Leaving Las Vegas. Just sign me up.

Cage’s Agent: Do you even want to know the title?

Cage: I pay you to do these things for me. Tell them I can film the whole thing next week.

�

Cage: That was terrible.

Cage’s Agent: I know but I’m looking at your next blockbuster right now. In this one you can see into the future.

Cage: Sounds cool. Will my face take up a third of the poster again?

Cage’s Agent: I can make it happen.

Cage: I’m in.

�

� Cage: My own mother didn’t see that one. What’s the point of hiring an agent if you can’t find me a hit? Cage’s Agent:Fair, but you know what’s in right now? Sequels. Cage: You sure? � Cage’s Agent: Absolutely, you can’t miss.� I’ve already got an offer for a new chapter to that treasure movie. Cage: Just get me top billing. Cage’s Agent: Naturally	�
� Cage’s Agent: Ok that was a flop but I’m really feeling this next project.� Another action film.� And this time you can wear your hair long. Cage: Damn you really know how to rope me in.	�
� Cage: You need to get me some better work.� I was dusting my Oscar last night and I’m pretty sure he was frowning at me. Cage’s Agent: Ok I promise this next one is going to be a hit. Your character knows the future. Cage: Didn’t I just do that plot? Cage’s Agent:They’re offering 20 million. Cage: You know, I could always use another castle.	�