Top 5 Rookie Mistakes of Freshmen Year

You hear it all the time, “Rookie mistake, dude.“  Whether this be referring to ordering cheese over pepperoni or listing Gigli over Man About Town as your favorite Ben Affleck movie, we’ve all made choices that signify us as straight noobs.  There’s 5 of these “Rookie Mistakes” that are all too common, and all just as awful.

1. WEARING THAT COLLEGE BRAND LANYARD AROUND YOUR NECK.
Nothing makes college girls think “Damn, I wanna slob HIS nob!” like looking like a tourist lost in a European city.  Come on guys, take the lanyard off of your neck and pop your keys in your pocket.  Make sure the lanyard part is still hanging out though, just so everybody on campus knows that you’re a student there. You know, cuz walking around with the Orientation Week T-shirt and carrying your 15.4 inch MacBook Pro everywhere don’t give you away.

2. GAINING THE FRESHMEN FIFTEEN…ladies
Two Words: Learn some God damn self control!  You don’t need a cheeseburger, pizza, ice cream, mashed potatoes, Steak’Ums, AND sushi.  Unless you’re pregnant with the second coming of Andre The Giant mixed with what ever thoser worms were that make produce grow in James and The Giant Peach, you shouldn’t be eating more than you do at home.  If you’re one of those people who walk into your building’s dining hall and say, “Wow, this is so nice! The food is so good!” You should be sterilized. And I’m not even kidding.

3. KEEPING YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND
There’s nothing a hot and horny sorority girl likes to hear more than “…You remind me of my girlfriend.” Oh yes there is, how about “Disease free.”, “You’re not pregnant.”, or “Free Beer.“  If you’re dating a girl from your high school, you’ve just closed off a world of opportunity.  You’ll never experince promiscuous sex with a girl you hardly know, never wake up asking yourself “Was that one girl or two?”, and you’ll definitely never experience the feeling of a girl actually wanting to converse with you.  If you’re off the market, you’re about as useful as season tickets to the LA Clippers.  And let me add, nobody wants to hear about how in love you’re in. We don’t care.

4. HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE ON YOUR FLOOR
Known to some Syracuse students as “Pulling a Fonseca”, this is probably the most common and easy to avoid mistakes of all.  Bottom line is this: DON’T DO IT.  Why would you diddle the girl next door? Unless it is literally is that hot chick from the movie The Girl Next Door, you shouldn’t be hooking up with the girls (or guys) for obvious reasons; Mainly you’re gonna have to see this person all the time.  It’s not like that random chick who wasn’t wearing panties at Delta Chi whose probably disapeared into a wormhole of sluttiness, these people are gonna be in your dorm for at least a YEAR.  If she’s hot, if she’s ugly, that awkwardness will stain like Merlot on a polar bear skin rug.

5. GETTING A GIRLFRIEND
Possiby the biggest no-no of them all, commiting yourself to one enitity is mad lame and an offense only made by the rookie-est of the rookies.  Nothing is gonna kill a party’s vibe quicker than “that couple” cuddling and flirting in the corner.  This is college, this is the modern day equivalent of Ancienct Rome where everybody was banging everybody, and we play violins while buildings burn down to the ground.  There shouldn’t be any speak of “love” or “soulmates” in the same room where Heathenistic love rituals are occuring. This we know:  Girls go into college looking for “Joe College”, that perfect man who they’ll date for four years and then marry after graduation.  Guy go into college looking to put their dicks into as many orificies as possible, human or not, animate or inanimate.

What’s that? You’re dating the girl in the room next to you who has gained the freshmen fifteen? Well you might as well change your name to Henry Rowengartner because you are the Rookie of the Year.