An Open[ed] Letter to the Fall 2009 Upsicron Pledge Class

Greetings Pledge F*cks,
 
Congratulations on not getting blackballed like your buddy Quincy. What a tool.  When we decided to give bids to you sorry sacks of cat shit, it was because we felt you might have the potential to one day become esteemed brothers of Upsilon Omicron Pi. For the next twelve weeks, we will be putting you through tests to make sure you live up to that potential. The Upsicrons are an elite group of brothers, and you’re going to have to be elite as balls by the time you cross. That is, if you ever cross. The Beta Iotas pledged into the summer. Don’t let that happen to you.
 
A lot of you pussies are probably wondering what our policy on hazing is. As the University Code of Conduct states, hazing is strictly prohibited. So f*cking what. The Upsicron policy on hazing? Encouraged, ruthless, and relentless. As your pledge marshal, I am going to personally make sure that every waking second of the next twelve weeks is hell for you – and double hell during Hell Week. Maybe even triple hell, depending how hammered brother Mitch gets. And as Upsicron pledges, you must vow never to speak of any of this to anyone ever, or face the equally unspeakable consequences.
 
With that being said, here is your daily schedule for the next twelve weeks:

5 a.m. Wake up, TP the trees outside the Gamma Phi house. They are inferior to you.
 
6 a.m. Bring brother Jesse his morning beer. If there is a girl in his bed, direct her to the campus health center and call her a filthy whore, or something to that effect. This type of attitude toward women is necessary if you are ever to be accepted as a true Upsicron.
 
8 a.m. Prepare breakfast for brothers. French toast should only be served on Tuesdays. Pancakes are permissible on Wednesday and Saturday. Hash browns should be made McDonald’s-style every Tuesday-Thursday, and old-fashioned on all other days except Sunday, when they should never be served under any circumstances. Brother Mitch likes extra ketchup with his five-and-a-half over-easy eggs, lightly salted, no exceptions. If you mess up breakfast you’re going to have a LONG twelve weeks ahead of you.
 
9 a.m. – 4 p.m. Attend class for brothers. Your own classes are no longer a priority. If you wish to be accepted into the Upsicron brotherhood, you must demonstrate the qualities of brotherhood beforehand. That means taking thorough notes, attending group meetings, and cheating your way to the top. If any brother gets a grade lower than a “B” during your time as pledge f*cks … well let’s just say we’ve always suspected brother Mitch was sorta gay, and you’ll find out why.
 
4 p.m. Dinner. Keep us on our toes with the menu, but remember that brother Mitch prefers cold sausage and mushroom pizza. Be sure to have a keg to accompany all meals (they can be picked up at the Thirsty Turtle under your pledge class keg account).
 
6 p.m. Sneak into the Gamma Phi house, upper-deck their toilets. Yes, this is a daily requirement.
 
8 p.m. – 4:30 a.m. Hazing. Brother Percival gave everyone a pretty big scare last spring when he went into that coma, so you won’t be subjected to Tequila Olympics this year. Don’t worry – we’ll make up for it in other ways, as brother Mitch can attest.
 
4:30 a.m. – 5 a.m. Sleep. This will take place in the crawl space beneath Upsicron Manor.

 
Before you begin, the brothers have some errands for you to run. Here is your shopping list. You have one hour.

-       A live Maine lobster
-       Huey Lewis
-       Fifty pictures of boobs
-       Artistic rendering of a cheeseburger in paradise
-       Picture of the Gamma Phi house on fire
-       A midget
-       A kilo of coke for brother Gary. There will be a maroon Volvo on the corner of Third Street and Yucatan Terrace. Knock once on the passenger window, Julio will let you in. Do not make eye contact with Julio. He will drive you to the Greyhound station and drop you off with the coke.
-       Vaseline
-       Thirty broomsticks
-       This month’s issues of Hustler, Playboy, Perfect 10, High Times, and Penthouse
-       This month’s issue of Nickelodeon Magazine for brother Mitch
-       A Wonka Scrumdiddlyumptious bar

Failure to obtain any of the items on this list will bring you a world of pain. Go out and prove yourselves as respectable future Upsicrons, you worthless shit-eating pansies.
 

F*ck you,

Brother Ernie McMillan

Pledge Marshal, Fall 2009