5 Ways to Make Fast Money at College

Everyone knows about all the hidden costs of college:  The activity fees, the textbooks, to say nothing of the essentials that you need to survive (food, booze, scuba gear).  By the time they hit October, most students are going into shock from all the money-hemmoraghing; of course they’re also too busy doing important college activities (sex, drinking, using scuba gear) to hold a constant job.  No fear! Here are a few quick, commitment-free ways to put some punch back into your coin purse.


BODY FLUIDS
       

      Few money schemes seem as perfect on paper as actually getting paid for recreational activities you usually perform in a sock.  That said, actually becoming a sperm donor is a little more complicated.  You have to go through screenings, contracts, not to mention restrictions on your out- of lab self abuse.   Long story short, you’re going to have strangers judging the worth of your sperm on a college degree you don’t even have while simultaneously regulating your shower-sinning.  A quicker way that won’t ruin your lonely weeknight routine is donating your Plasma.  Donation Centers like Bio-Life will gladly pay $15-35 for a single session.  So, if you don’t mind someone straining your blood and extracting a yellowish syrup from your fore-arm, say hello to your new beer fund.   A hemophiliac will thank you for it.

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EXPERIMENTAL GUINEA PIG

All across your campus, there are countless numbers of addled professors and negligent post-grads that are itching to use you in their latest experiment. Be it a marketing survey, psych evaluation, or sleep deprivation chamber, school is rife with possibilities- provided that you have no concern for your health or well being.  You can get anywhere from $20-$300, depending on the details, time commitment, and potential impact on your ability to have children.  So go ahead, sign up for that “survey“ by the professor with a hook hand in the weird building no one’s ever heard of; the thirty dollars will be worth the night terrors.

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RECYCLING



As you walk around campus praying to Rockefeller’s ghost for more money, you may be unknowingly passing up his answer to your pleas.   If you live in the right state, sifting through your student union’s dumpsters is worth its weight in dimes. All you have to do is collect twenty some-odd plastic bottles, and you have enough money to buy a whole bottle of water.  If that piss-poor profit ratio has you down, try looking into organizations like the Recycle Bank.  And hey, if those sons-of-bitches at Nalgene have a stranglehold on your campus, try thinking outside the box- You can recycle your room mate’s video games at your local gamestop, your school’s library books at your local used book store, or even your RA’s kidney at your local underground organ market (usually open 2-5 every wednesday).

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NUDE MODELING



If you don’t mind exposing your fat and shameful body to the rest of the world, another good option is to sign yourself up as an art class model.  Every small college town has an army of women whose frizzled hair, stained cardigans, and Daria glasses identify them as modern Da Vincis.  All you need to do is sign up at a local community center, and you’ll get paid to help them fulfill their dreams of becoming the best water colorist in Central Virginia. Not only that, but you can also spend that money on making yourself even more fat and shameful, thus completing the circle of shitty art.

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FAKING HOMELESSNESS


     If you’re really strapped for cash, the first thing you lose (after your dignity) is moral responsibility.  When that happens, there’s nothing stopping you from growing a beard, wiping feces on your jeans, and pretending to be a homeless person.  Have some free time between classes?  Why not chill outside the 7-11 with a sign that says you’re a veteran?  If anybody asks you to prove it, just give ‘em the crazy eye and snarl “I SEEN THINGS.“  At the very least, you’ll score yourself a breakfast sandwich.