Pesci Poppins: A Scorsese Re-imagining

Mr Banks: Well children, it seems your wish came true, We finally hired you two the perfect nanny!

Jane: We got a new nanny!?

Michael: My stars! A new nanny to tuck us in, and read us stories, and give us a spoonful of su-

Mr Banks: Well… yes and no Michael. You see, your mother and I found you a nanny more befitting your darling, whimsical nature. Attributes, frankly, we can’t stand in children.

Jane: What are you trying to say, Daddy

Mr Banks: Perhaps it would be best if I let your new nanny explain it to you. Let me introduce you now… oh Mr Poppins!

Michael: Mister?

Pesci Poppins enters the room, repleat in pinstripe suit and slicked-back hair.

Pesci Poppins: Yeh, looka’me I’m here, huh? It’s me, Pesci Poppins, I’m ya nanny!

Michael: You’re our new nanny?

Pesci Poppins: Yeh, I’m gonna tuck ya into beds and force-feed ya medicine and… well do all’a that nanny shit.

Mr Banks: Mr Poppins here is an Italian-American! And-

Pesci Poppins: (To Jane) Hey… Hey hey! What the FUCK are you lookin’ at, huh? Who the fuck do you think you are, ya fuckin’ mutt!

Mr Banks: Please refrain from staring at Mr Poppins, dear.

Pesci Poppins: Ya breakin’ my fuckin’ balls, huh?

/b>

Pesci and the children are walking through a London Park. They come across Bert doing his “One-Man-Band” show.

Bert: Step right up! Step right up!

Bert sees Pesci approaching.

Bert: Holy shit!

He drops his accordion and attempts to run away, but with the drums, horns and bells still attached and making a cacophony of sound, it’s difficult.

Pesci Poppins: Bert, ya fuckin’ slimy bastard, i told ya I’d get ya back for that 40 clams!

Pesci pulls out a handgun and fires six shots into Bert’s back.

Michael: Did you… did you kill him Mr Poppins?

Pesci Poppins: Not yet.

He fires a last shot into Bert’s head.

Pesci Poppins: Yeh, I fuckin’ killed him. (Points at Jane) You. You dig me a hole, huh?

Jane can’t stop crying long enough to dig.

Pesci Poppins: Fine. Who the fuck cares? I’ll dig the fuckin’ hole. I don’t give a fuck. What is it, the first hole I dug?

Pictured: The infamous “Bank Boardroom Massacre” Scene

Pesci and the children are on the rooftops with the chimney sweeps.

Pesci Poppins: Then I said “Bert, ya slimy bastard!” And I shot him in the back!

All the chimney sweeps laugh.

Chimney Sweep 1: You’re a right laugh you are mate! You’re really funny!

Pesci Poppins: Whaddaya mean I’m funny?

Chimney Sweep 1: Well, you know… it’s a funny story id’nt it? Right lads?

Pesci Poppins: What, you think I’m a fuckin’ clown? I’m just here to entertain you, huh?

Chimney Sweep 2: Nah, nah it ain’t like that guv!

Pesci Poppins: You shut the FUCK up I wadn’t talkin’ to you! Now, whaddaya mean I’m funny? Like I amuse you, huh?

Chimney Sweep 1: Pesci, I-

Pesci Poppins grabs the chimney sweep’s hair and drags him across the roof, before repeatedly slamming his head against a chimney. Pesci then pushes him headfirst down the same chimney. He stares at the other chimney sweeps intensely for a beat, then breaks into laughter.

Pesci Poppins: Ahhh! I almost had the motherfucker! The stuttering prick!

The chimney sweeps and children stare at each other in disbelief while Pesci continues laughing.

The children are at home sitting quietly, and staring into the distance.

Mr Banks: I tell you dear, hiring Pesci Poppins was the best thing we could have done for our children!

Mrs Banks: Oh yes, they are so well behaved. He even taught me the shame in being a suffragette!

Michael: Daddy, we’re sorry about being darling and whimsical.

Jane: We promise we will never have fun again.

Michael: Just don’t let Mr Poppins come back.

As we zoom out from the Banks’ house, we see Pesci Poppins, shovel in one hand, throwing a tied-up Uncle Albert into the trunk of his stage coach.

Pesci Poppins: Not laughin’ so much at me now, are ya Albert ya fuckin’ prick!

He slams the trunk closed and rides off into the distance.