He was reading his dad’s Playboys before he learned how to tie his shoes. He cursed, flipped everyone off, and taught all his classmates about sex. A trip to his house was a lawsuit waiting to happen. Trampolines, ziplines; if it was dangerous, this kid had it in his backyard. He was fun to hang out with back then, but he’s probably in jail by now. Hopefully not for stabbing you.
This kid was so lame that his mom had to set up play dates just to get people to hang out with him. You were pissed that your parents forced you to “play nice” until you saw the kid’s room. Jackpot. He had a Power Wheels, a Sega Genesis, a Super Nintendo, and the ever-impossible-to-find Power Ranger figures! His birthday parties were epic. While your other friends were dinking around the roller rink, he was having all-expenses paid paintball parties. This guy had EVERYTHING going for him. Besides, ya know, friends who actually liked him.
Crayons, pencils, erasers; you name it, he ate it. This little guy would evolve into “Guy Who Will Eat Anything For a Dollar” by high school. He peed at urinals with his pants around his ankles. He grew up to be Kevin Corrigan.
Playing frisbee? He’d get a black eye from a rogue disc. Climbing a fence? He’d get his shirt caught and mangle himself on the way down. Monkey bars? Broken bones. You get the picture. This kid could not participate in anything without ruining it for everyone. Any minor act of mischief would result in a trip to the ER and some pissed off parents. Thanks dude, now we’re not allowed to play with replica swords. Way to lose an eye, asshole.
By elementary school, you’re old enough to like girls but young enough that you’re embarrassed to admit it. Who you have a crush on is the BIGGEST secret a 10-year-old can have. Seriously, I water-boarded my little brother and he still wouldn’t tell me. Kidding, of course. I don’t have a little brother.
He was my cousin.
This kid was a bossy asshole who ALWAYS had to have his way. If you played “Batman and Robin,” he’d insist on being Batman. If you played “Sonic” for Sega Genesis, you’d be stuck with Tails. Despite being a total JERK, he probably grew up to be some big shot engineer who makes way more money than you. ISN’T THAT RIGHT, CRAIG? MONEY MAKES YOU BETTER THAN ME, HUH? WELL IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU BETTER AT VIDEO GAMES. YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME BE SONIC.
YOU COULDN’T BEAT METAL SONIC FOR SHIT.
Art by the incredible/edible Owen Parsons.
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