Little-known Sportsperson Endorsments

Shaquille O’Neal:
“I’ve scored a lot of points in my time, but one thing you don’t want to score is cervical cancer. Get vaccinated from cervical cancer today… and protect your cervix.”


Michael Vick:
“For years now, PETA have been actively campaigning against animal cruelty throughout the world. That’s why I’m sponsoring PAPETA… People Against People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Because dogs fight all the time anyway, so it’s cool.”


Michael Phelps:
“I’ve swum a lot of laps in my career, but if there’s one thing that I don’t want in my lap, it’s an unwanted child.
When you’re thinking of terminating an unwanted pregnancy in the first 49 days of pregnancy, (up to 63 days in Britain and Sweden), think Mifepristone.”


Usain Bolt:
“I run a lot. But when I get the runs, I use Imodium. Imodium, so I can run without getting the runs.”


John Daly:
“I don’t know what the hell Streptococcus pneumoniae is, but I sure as shit don’t want it… that’s why I got the Pneumococcal polysaccharide vaccine. C’mahn… just get vaccinated.”


David Beckham:
“For too long, bears have been terrorizing the forests of England. That’s why I’m supporting the Labour Party’s bear-culling initiative. Stop the bears before they eat your valuable, valuable face.”


John Madden:
“Who can I depend on on? Depend Adult Diapers!
What?… I know this is an ad for Metamucil, I’m just making conversation.”