Roommate Confessions: Issue 94

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

Josh, that weekend in first year when you went home and came back and your lamp was gone. I told you me and our other roommates got drunk and threw it off the balcony. I didn’t know at the time that your late grandfather gave it to you and you’d get all pissed off. Seriously dude, the lamp is in my closet, its been there for 3 years and now we are moving out for senior year come take your ugly lamp back.
H.Y., School Not Given

Dear Charles, You kept going through all of my things, eating my food, and stealing my money so I microwaved your PS2 memory card. I promise not to tell anyone you cried.
Mike C., School Not Given

It’s been 10 years, the dorms have been torn down so it safe to say this. The Tower Dorms had a common area on each floor that had a kitchen type deal, well that used to be right next to the stairwell. Every week my buddies and I picked one of the four Towers and looted their common can collection. The money was supposed to be used for “floor activities” Well, thanks for all the lap dances and booze you guys bought us, and remember to those who caught us and let us go, the check is still in the mail.
Ian Duffey, Iowa State

A few years back my roommate Barkly used to always eat my food and use dishes and not wash them. He would actually bitch when I moved all my dishes and food into my room. He’s also an “expert” on everything, and is fond of politics. One night at a party we were both at, this huge yeti of of a girl comes over and starts talking to me. She mentions shes into politics, so I grab her by the arm and lead her over to my roommate, and let the magic begin. He comes home later bragging that he “banged her”, and then leaves and forgets his cell phone. I go in and delete her name and change my name to hers, and then proceed to inform him “I’m really sorry, but I have an STD, I just found out, can I come over still later?” Don’t eat my food you gangly mouthbreather.
Jason Pierce, Ithaca

When I was in college my dorm room was actually an old motel room. It was sweet, I didn’t have a roommate and all the rooms on the second floor were connected by a balcony outside (like you see on crappy motels). College life was pretty decent for me except for the frat house that was across the street. These rich turds would always throw parties every single night and take up all of our parking spaces, get drunk and come over and try and fight. So on one particularly warm and loud evening some friends and I all got drunk and took turns filling this cockbags BMW full of beershits, piss and vomit via his open sun roof. The cars that didn’t have any point of entry got sprayed with brake cleaner and covered in baloney. I’m pretty sure a few cars got ball bearings thrown down the muffler too. I don’t regret a thing.
James Orange, School Not Given

Submit yours here!