250 Years Before 'The Goonies'

A pirate ship lies trapped inside a giant cave off the coast of Astoria, Oregon.
One-Eyed Willie and his first mate Derek sit at a table covered with treasure. They’re surrounded by several dead pirates.

Willie: So how be the booby trap situation?

Derek: Well, everything’s all set up like you wanted so no one should ever be able to get in here.

Willie: Great.

Derek: There’s a couple things though…

Willie: Aye?

Derek: Well, it’s just that we’ve been in here for like six years, right?

Willie: Yar.

Derek: Right. And we’ve managed to survive that entire time…in a cave…with minimal resources.

Willie: What be yer point?

Derek: Okay, well, my point is that we’ve been a pretty resourceful group,right? We dug tunnels, made a deadfall, carved that stone into a giant skull… We set up a goddamn waterslide…

Willie: So?

Derek: Dude, Jack built a fucking pipe organ out of human bones! Not to mention we’ve rigged up the entire cave to collapse in on itself if someone touches the treasure.

Willie: ‘Tis pretty amazing, aye?

Derek: Yeah, ‘tis. But I’m saying if we were able to do all that, shouldn’t we be able to get out of here?

Willie: What are ye proposin’?

Derek: Well, like over on the side of the cave for example. I mean, there’s like a lot of sunlight coming through that pile of rocks. Like …a lot.

Willie: Aye, but they be lookin’ mighty heavy.

Derek: Cap, seriously? Eric rigged up like five gigantic boulders with a chain pulley system BY HIMSELF.

Willie: Oh yeah. Wha’tever happened t’ that guy?

Derek: You stabbed him in both of his eyes like a week ago.

Willie: …Regardless, we’d still be needin’ t’ get past the giant octopus.

Derek: That’s the other thing I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. First of all, I’ve never even seen the thing.  I always hear about it after the fact.  And, second, how could it survive in here for six years without food?

Willie pulls out a knife and slowly plunges it into Derek’s chest.

Willie: Now, all that be left is t’ sit here and die quietly with me gold while remainin’ completely upright.