After a few minutes of black, I finally was able to open my eyes, and when I did, I found myself on a stage in front of a thousand or so people. I figured that I must be winning an oscar or emmy for my work in the television or film industry, and being that I had heard that trips on salvia have given people glimpses of their future, I went along with it. The fist thing I did while the audience was still cheering was look around for familiar faces.

Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow, Seth Rogan, and Zac Effron. Why my eyes jumped to the Jews first is beyond me, but I knew i had made it big. There were other actors and famous people there too, just about every person you could think of. Except one. Scanning the sea of faces, as they sat back down, I couldn't help but notice that Kanye West had disappeared. That's odd, I thought to myself, and continued on, this time with a little bit more caution because I knew that he could attack at any moment.

"Thank you, thank you" I shouted amidst the dying applause. Suddenly my palms began to sweat profusely and my legs began to shake. "Fuck" I yelled into the microphone (I have a very limited vocabulary). "Well I wasn't expecting this" I said as I began to think of a speech. After a few seconds of quick thinking and a crowd eager to feast on my words I came up with something to say.

"I can't think of a speech right now, so please forgive me, but I do have a list of people I would like to thank. I would like to start with god."

The crowd busted out in laughter, probably because it's common sense that all people in Hollywood are liberal, free-thinking, hippie, communist, American family hating motherfuckers. I took my moment of universal acceptance with grace.

"Shut the fuck up, I'm not done." I shouted.

Half the crowd took my advice instantly and sat back down, while others laughed louder.

"Do I sound like I'm fucking joking?"

Silence fell over the building. Mothers covered their children's ears. I also noticed that the red light on the camera had gone off, meaning that they had gone to commercial or something. The show had to go on though.

"I want to thank god," I repeated, "for helping me win this award."

No laughs this time, but the music began to play meaning I had to hurry up.

"I also want to thank my dog"

From that point everything began to move in slow motion. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something completely alien. Crop circles!

"for helping me overcome"

Shit was about to get real. The crop circles then moved to reveal something much more intimidating. Somehow, though the magic of salvia, Kanye West had made it on the stage and was fighting to get the microphone out of my hand. I let him have it because I'm a nice person.

"I'll let you finish," he announced "but I just wanted to s-"

I aimed for the crop circles on his head, and with one swift movement of my own head, I headbutted him. He dropped instantly to the ground… dead. With the few remaining seconds I had before security got up on to stage, I took in my universal acceptance for the second time. This time everyone in the crowd was on their feet, howling, yelling my name, praising me. To tell you the truth it seemed like the scene from the Wizard of Oz where the munchkins sing the Wicked Witch is dead.

Next thing I knew I was tackled to the ground. Four or five security guards had piled on top of me, but that didn't matter. I was a hero.