Short on money for necessary items like your Xbox Live subscription? Short on time due to the copious amount of Gear of War you are compelled to play to justify your Xbox Live subscription? Are you also a little short on the value to society which would make you a candidate for a real job? What a strange and unlikely series of circumstances.
Fear not, however, your college has anticipated your needs and laid out a host of exciting employment opportunities. Well, not ideal opportunities. Actually, for the most part they're probably excuses to assign you the kind of menial tasks usually reserved for illegal immigrants and crazy veterans. After all these are the inventors of the textbook buy-back scam.
Still, you could take that job at the rec center desk
but be warned that your time will be evenly divided between finishing your class work early and gawking at sweaty members of the opposite sex. I think you'll agree that you deserve better.
Better to hold out for one of these jobs uniquely suited to your skill set:
1. Experimental Facial Hair Grower (males only, Kendra)
Group of amateur enthusiasts bent on solving the pressing questions of our day: Are all goatees douchey? At what point does a full beard cross the line from awesome to pedophiley; from pedophiley to saintly.Requirements
- Lack of concern about physical appearance or standards of decency.
- Junior, Senior or Zach Galifinakas standing preferred.
- Willingness to document results with painstaking measurement. Or maybe you could just do that one polaroid a day thing from that sweet video with the classical music. Your call.
- Realization that you won't be able to get hired for any other job until May
2. Fantasy Football Team/ Alt Rock Band Name Originator
We need the self-proclaimed best at this, could it be you? We're not creative types and we need help. Unbelievably 'Gym Class Heroes', 'The 5th Metacarpals', and 'Kanye's Really Happy for You'- all taken. We're stumped.Requirements
- Average levels of creativity.
- Average to above average knowledge of current events/pop culture.
3. Arbiter of TV Taste
Comedy to drama, network TV to cable
you will be responsible for having uneducated opinions on all. We're that guy who hasn't been introduced to Mad Men or Flight of the Conchords; by all means, let us know what's good.
- No English majors.
- Propensity for quoting fictional characters a must; accuracy secondary.
- Published thesis on the following topic: "Digressions in Time: The Unofficial Ending to the Final Season of Lost". Amateurs will be turned away.
- Related areas of concern: Chloe from 24- hot or not?
4. Dorm Room Bartender
This is going to be awesome. I see literally no obstacles whatsoever to our bar being financially stable and within the bounds of the law an unqualified success.