Browser Break-up

Well, over the years, our relationship seems to have slowed down. Your early charm has begun to wear off, and while you know I always loved you for who you are and would scoff when you said you weren’t as appealing as those Safari and Opera models (their speed test results are all airbrushed anyway), you’ve really let yourself go lately. And I’m not saying you’re bloated, but you used to be so diligent about working out to stay slim and agile. Now you’re constantly unresponsive and have lost that fiery passion that once drew me to you.

I know this is hard for you to hear, but I think it’s about time we went our separate ways. I still think you’re wonderful, and there’s so much about your personality that I’ll miss. I’ve just realized I want something different out of life than I used to, and it’s taken a special friend to help me see it.

You remember the new browser that moved into town last year? Well, we became good friends and would hang out once in a while when I needed someone to talk to, and, frankly, you weren’t always there for me. After a bit, we began to spend more and more time together, and I admit I neglected my time with you. But she showed me there’s more to life than flashy mouse gestures and ad-blocking. She made me feel young again with her ceaseless energy and streamlined interface. She understands me, and she even shares my interests in Google apps and connects so well with me in that. Sure, she may not be mature enough yet to try new extensions, and she probably can’t even pronounce the word Ubiquity, but she’s just not overly complicated. I feel like I need some simplicity in my life right now.

I know I said you’d always be my default browser, and we’ve even discussed tying the knot one day and uninstalling all other web programs for good. But I can’t keep lying to myself and to you. We don’t click like we used to, and every time I try to reach out to you, you’re even more distant and apathetic. What happened to the vibrant young fox I fell in love with all those years ago?
Well, it’s no use now. We’re not meant for each other. I hope you can come to see that. I also hope that, although it will be tough at first, we can somehow stay on good terms and still be friends. Maybe we can have lunch on occasion, laughing about old history and our favorite bookmarks. And despite your understandable heartbreak and anger at my decision, I hope that one day, you can find it in yourself to forgive me and be happy for the new life Chrome and I have started together.

I’ll be coming over later today to export all my settings. Please don’t clear the cache before I get there.