Generic Dialogues

The “Object Dialogue”

Inanimate Object: Hello, I am speaking to you.

Person: This is odd.

Inanimate Object: Yes, it is odd. I commonly do not have the power of speech, but now I do. Quite ironic.

Person: Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s not what ironic means.

Inanimate Object: Do you doubt me? I cannot talk, yet here I am talking. Is that not enough for you?

Person: I don’t know what to tell you. It’s surprising and just a little unnatural, but still not ironic.

Inanimate Object: Never mind these mere trivialities! Do you not at least find this to be funny?

Person: Well, not really, no.

Inanimate Object: Not funny? I, an inanimate object with no method of speech, am clearly speaking to you, and you do not find it funny?

Person: I don’t know, it’s really just not that funny.

Inanimate Object: How could you say that!? This is on College Humor, is it not?

Person: Why is that exactly?

Inanimate Object: BECAUSE I CANNOT SPEAK! BUT HERE I AM SPEAKING! HUMOR ABOUNDS!

Person: Yeah… since you’re screaming and all, I’m just going to go now.

Inanimate Object: NO, DON’T LEAVE! SCREAMING IS FUNNY YOU FOOL! DON’T YOU NOW THAT? I AM BEING FUNNY!

The “Sex Dialogue”

Boy: I think we should have sex.

Girl: O.K.

Boy: Are we doing it yet?

Girl: Well, seeing as how we’re both still wearing our clothes, I’d say no.

Boy: Oh yeah, that makes sense. What about now? Are we doing it know?

Girl: No, I think that’s just you jerking off in the corner to old episodes of “The Nanny.” Plus, I am still wearing all my clothes.

Boy: Shit. I thought something was wrong. Um, do you want to take them off?

Girl: Uh, not anymore. Actually, I think I am just going to leave.

Boy: Damn it! Who would’ve thought that having sex would be so unbelievably difficult!?

The “Children Dialogue”

Child #1: We are both children.

Child #2: Indeed.

Child #1: We are often playing with toys and watching cartoons.

Child #2: Most often, yes.

Child #1: But not now.

Child #2: We aren’t?

Child #1: No. We are obviously doing something adult, and possibly dirty.

Child #2: We are?

Child #1: Yes.

Child #2: Why?

Child #1: Because it’s funny that way.

Child #2: Oh. Are you sure?

Child #3: Hey guys! I just screwed some chick in a SpongeBob outfit. It was insane. She wanted me to call her Squidward but I was all like hell no, I ain’t doing that shit, cause I’m not that kind of guy. But then she was like I’ll let you go backdoor and, you know me, I’m not the kind of 1st grader that just passes up on such a great opportunity so like whatever, I called her Squidward. It was pretty crazy if you know what I mean, but let’s just keep this between us guys, ok?

Child #1: See.

The “Animal Dialogue”

Animal: I am an animal.

Person: Wait. Isn’t this just the same thing as the first one?

Animal: Pretty much.

Person: Well, can we stop then?

Animal: Yeah, I guess so.

Person: Good. See ya later.

Animal: Sheesh, what an asshole.