- A shallow grave
- Underwater (any depth)
- Frozen in a block of ice for the rest of my natural life
- The last three circles of Hell
- Sealed (alive) into a tomb
- Harlem
- The Middle East
- The 1820s
- Trapped in the closet
- 20,000 leagues under anything
- A reality TV show
- Alabama
- A burning building
- 50 Cent’s posse
- Between a rock and a hard place
- Frozen in carbonite
- Living in Vermont
- Trapped in a chick flick
- The boulevard of broken dreams
- A cubicle
- An amniotic sac
- The doghouse
- Quicksand
- Hanging upside-down over a fire
- Hanging upside-down at heights in excess of 25 feet
- A puddle of my own vomit
- A field of lilacs
- Caught with my pants down
- Caught dead with something
- Caught dead with my pants down
- Caught dead with a hooker
- Caught with a dead hooker
- Stuck in a moment that I can’t get out of
- Trapped in a horror movie
- Eastern Europe
- A colonoscopy procedure
- On co-op with some corporation
- Anyplace without running water
- Anyplace without oxygen
- A maximum-security penitentiary
- A pool of nuclear ooze
- Floating away into outer space
- A garbage can of somebody else’s vomit
- Where the streets have no name
- A cellar filled with geese
- A Chippendales show
- A bee’s nest
- Another man’s innards
- Trapped in a room with Lil’ Jon and/or Carrot Top
- Anywhere that explodes
- Up a creek without a paddle and a lifejacket
- The belly of a whale
- Standing on a large red bullseye
- The workforce
- Back in elementary school
- Any 8:00 AM class
- MIT
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A Christmas Larceny
I used to work for a chinese computer company that no longer exists; one Christmas Eve a man comes into the store right as we are closing and counting money and insists that we start up the Point of Sale system again and sell him the video card he reserved online. We tell him that the computers have been shut down and all the transactions of the day batched and sent to the... Read More »



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