Good Cop, Freaking Awesome Cop

A police station interrogation room.  JOHNNY, a greasy criminal, sits at a table.  DETECTIVE SHEPARD, a spunky young policewoman with everything to prove, is questioning him.

SHEPARD: So, you gonna confess, Johnny?  Or am I gonna have to bring in my partner?  And just so you know, I’m the good cop.

JOHNNY: Bring it on, Shepard, you’ve got nothing on me.

DETECTIVE BUCKLEY walks in, determined and badass.

SHEPARD: By the way, I got you some coffee, Johnny. Coffee here is terrible, thought you’d like some Starbucks.  I wasn’t sure if you took sugar.

She throws down some sugar packets.  Suddenly, Buckley pushes Shepard aside and growls.

BUCKLEY: WHY YOU GIVING THIS GUY COFFEE?!  Here, Johnny.  I have some extra Sunny D on me.

Buckley is wearing a utility belt covered with Sunny D bottles.  He takes one off and hands it to Johnny.

JOHNNY: Hey, thanks!  I haven’t had Sunny D in forever!

BUCKLEY: No problem.  I always have some.

JOHNNY: Why are you being so freaking awesome to me?

BUCKLEY: It’s my job to be this awesome.

JOHNNY: I don’t understand.  I thought she was the good cop.

SHEPARD: I am.  He’s the freaking awesome cop.

JOHNNY: What?

BUCKLEY: Oh, do you not understand, MOTHERFUCKER?!  Here’s an fuckin’ example.  Shepard!

Shepard steps up.

SHEPARD: I think this guy deserves some candy.  

She takes a Reeses’ peanut butter cup and places it on the interrogation table.

SHEPARD: What do you think, Buckley?

BUCKLEY: I think he deserves MORE CANDY.

Buckley empties his pockets to reveal a shitload of awesome candy.

JOHNNY: Ah, awesome!  WHOA, Krackel!  I love Krackel!

BUCKLEY: Me too.  It’s way better than Crunch bars.  READY TO CONFESS, YOU HANDSOME HUNK OF MAN?!

JOHNNY: Uh, I don’t know –

SHEPARD: Well, maybe this will change your mind.  I can get you immunity and placement in the Witness Protection Program if you agree to testify in court against your bosses.

JOHNNY: I got nothing to tell.

BUCKLEY: Oh, really?  Well, how would you like a pony?!

JOHNNY: I don’t… what?  Is that code for something?

BUCKLEY: Nope, I’m just gonna give you a fucking pony.  See that pony outside the window there?  It’s fuckin’ yours.

There is a pony outside the window.  It is really cute.

JOHNNY: I always wanted a pony!

BUCKLEY: His name is Meth Lab Two Hands, because I rescued him from a Meth Lab and nursed him back to health with my own two hands.

JOHNNY: Wow, that’s really freaking awesome, dude.

BUCKLEY: DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?!

He turns away, tortured by his own awesomeness.  Shepard takes over.

SHEPARD: So, whaddaya say?

JOHNNY: Well, basically, the longer I hold out, the more freaking awesome he gets, right?

SHEPARD: That is his job.

JOHNNY: That’s kind of a flawed idea.

SHEPARD: It is, yes.

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Special Thanks to Jenny Jaffe and HammerkatzNYU.