Dear Homeless Man On The Bus

How are you? I see you sitting or living or whatever on the bench outside of the Panera parking lot, but we’ve never really talked. But this morning on the bus when I sat behind you (do you remember me? I have brown hair) I decided that we should probably be friends. You seem like a pretty chill guy. I have a couple of questions for you to make sure we’re compatible…

1) Have you always lived on the bench outside of Panera, or is it a temporary thing? It seems like a pretty comfortable bench, all made of metal and such. I’ve never really sat on it because you’re usually sleeping and I don’t want to wake you up. But are there other benches or whatever you sleep on, too?

2) I really like your hair, how long did it take for you to get that ‘just woke up’ look? What are the black specks in it? Haha I’m so fashion retarded, they’re probably little clips or something!

3) Do you like Will Ferrell? All his movies are so ridiculous. You can come to my dorm and we can watch Best of Will, I totaly got it for Christmas this year!! “My favorite planet is the sun cuz it’s like the king of planets.” Have you ever seen that one?  Sooooo funny.  

4) Do homeless people call themselves homeless or do you have a different name for it? My mom wants to know. Haha you probably think I am such a dorkus.

5) Guess what!? I saw that you had a forty in a paper bag on the bus. I drink forties too!! Does the paper bag keep it cold? Have you ever played Edward Forty Hands? We could totally be partners.

Anyway, I thought it was so cool when you got off the bus just to spit on the sidewalk and fart. Then you got back on like nothing happened. So chill.  It was also so cool when you were holding that giant stick for a couple of weeks. What was that about?

Love, Laura