Tom Philip

Hooking Up In Your Bedroom: The Other Side

Ever brought a girl back to your place after a party? There’s more to consider than just how long you last…

TV: Guys, he just put on The Notebook! He’s hooking up!

Door
: I’m not locked! I’m not locked! What do I do?!

Walls: Oh god, the pressure, why can’t we be thicker?

Computer: Does this mean no porn tonight? Awh man…

Wallet
: I THINK there’s a condom in me. If not, bad luck Bed.

Bed: Ahh sh*t, I was only changed yesterday. Wait, they might do it on the carpet like last time.

Carpet: Not a chance, I gave him a burn he won’t soon forget. You’re screwed.

Bed: Desk?

Desk: Are you kidding? They only do it on me in the movies. I’m so lonely…

Bed: Thank god this chick is lighter than that last one. I was aching for
days.

Carpet: Awh yeah! His shirt just landed on me. It’s going down!

Bed: Ouch, take it easy guys! You’re not 16 anymore.

Wallet: Yeah, I’ve got a condom. We’re good to go.

Chair
: Why am I always facing away from the bed? Anyone got a camera?

Computer: I’m on it.

Bed: He’s gentler than last time. Way to go, Steve!

Door: Sh*t guys, if someone comes in we are so screwed, I mean we are really-

Hallway floorboards: Crrrrk…

All: WHAT WAS THAT?!

Hallway floorboards: …

Door: Phew, false alarm.

Bed: Almost done over here guys.

Desk: How do you know?

Bed: I just do. I’ve been here for 6 years… OK, he’s done.

Lamp: And you know what happens now!

Condom
: F*ck yeah! That was awesome! Where are we going now?

Trashcan: No… no… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

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Fellowship of the Bedroom

A couple of months ago my boyfriend wanted to have sex but I was tired, so I closed my legs and said, "You shall not pass." Last night at dinner my hand was moving over his leg and moved to his crotch. He grabbed my wrist and said, "One does not simply walk into Mordor." Touche, David, touche.