If Musicians Were Your Roommates

You: Noel, get out of my bed.
Noel: Liam blocked off that side of the room.
You: We live in a triple! How can you not find some other place?
Liam: Cause he’s a wanker!
Noel: Shut up! Shut up! I’m comin’ ove’ there and punchin’ you square in the mouth.
Liam: Why don’t you just quit being our roommate?
You: Both of you please just go to sleep.
Noel: I am the best part of this triple!
Liam: Sayin’ it doesn’t make it true, you twat.
Noel: I have decorated this entire room.
Liam: Well, I buy all the essentials like toilet paper and soap.
You: Both of you play integral parts in this roommate situation!
Noel: Too bad because I’m goin’ move anyways.
Liam: You can’t do that!
Noel: You’ve been telling me to move out this whole year.
You: He was probably just kidding. Please just sit down.
Liam: Now all the blame is goin’ be on you if this triple gets a horrid roommate.
You: I feel like both of you are to blame-
Noel: Maybe I’ll come back to throw a party with you guys.
You: That’s unnecessary.
Liam: Like one where people pay to get in?
Noel: Yeah, one of those.
You: Why leave at all then?
Liam: Cause we hate each other right now.
Noel: And I hear there is a single room available down the hall.
You: But no one likes you when you are alone. You’re very uninteresting!

DMX

You: Damnit! What the hell is wrong with my iTunes?
DMX: Huh?
You: My iTunes. Reasonable Doubt and The Blueprint have been deleted again.
DMX: Shit. Those are shit.
You: Yeah, you’ve told me before.
DMX: Maybe the Bible will make you feel better?
You: What’s gonna make me feel better is God re-downloading my iTunes.
DMX: God can cure all problems. I’m a better man now. Got my head in the sky.
You: I’m honestly okay.
DMX: Fine! Fuck you! God damn! What the shit, man! “Don’t cross me, I compete the snake eye. Just lost you, left your shadow in the dark.”
You: Don’t start rapping! Just calm down.
DMX: I’m so calm, so fuckin’ calm. Tryin’ to get you right. Just read the fuckin’ Bible!
You: O.K. Leave it on my bed then!
DMX: Just hand me your coat.
You: Why?
DMX: Hand me your coat!
You: Yeah, here you go. I need it later when I go out though. It is starting to get cold.
DMX: I don’t want the jacket.
You: Did you just take five 8-balls out of my pockets?
DMX: Yeah, been hiding shit in there. I need to borrow your fish.
You: My Beta fish? Why?
DMX: That’s personal shit.
You: I can see you drawing a Hitler mustache on my Nas poster.
DMX: Fuck off.

Fiona: I need you to hold my hand.
You: I’m trying to finish my English essay.
Fiona: My heart is breaking. Like a jewelry box made of blood-stained glass.
You: I’m very sorry for you, but honestly I need to finish this essay.
Fiona: Can you hear the tears dripping from the sky? Even the birds are crying for me.
You: It’s just that pipe above your bed.
Fiona: A man! Damn a man who hurts a flower like me!
You: You and Joey broke up again?
Fiona: An earthquake.
You: The breakup was like an earthquake is what I assume you mean.
Fiona: How can my face tell so many stories?
You: It isn’t that hard to see. You’ve been cutting yourself for the last hour.
Fiona: My feelings need to burst through my skin.
You: It is making me a little uncomfortable.
Fiona: Period. Vagina. Hate. Self Loathing.
You: So we’re at this point of the conversation now.
Fiona: Piano. Descriptive word.

Lady Gaga

Gaga: I took your pillows. Art needed to be made.
You: Those are all my pillows! And is that my math book you’re using as a hat?
Gaga: You need to see it as an extension of me and what I do.
You: Nothing you’ve done has benefitted from using random things in our room as outfits. People just comment on what you wear, nothing else.
Gaga: I am making art! Art! I’m thinking outside the box.
You: I don’t understand. You are a music major, why are you messing around with visual art like that?
Gaga: All art goes together.
You: I still think this has something to do with your insecurity ever since Mark said you have a horse face.
Gaga: I can’t comment on that. I enjoy confusing you. Making you ask questions.
You: That isn’t how normal people act.
Gaga: I am not normal. Now…I need to use all your DVDs and CDs.
You: Did a penis just pop out of your shorts?
Gaga: I’ll just say, I’m a unique human being.