Jake Explains It All

So you’re the nice guy, the guy who always accidentally becomes a girl’s best friend. The guy she goes to to complain about all the douche bags that treat her wrong. What these girls don’t know is that you secretly derive pleasure out of your sympathetic embraces. And as you gently wipe tears away from wet cheeks, all you’re thinking about is wild, un-hinged, animalistic sex. Let’s get you some.

Listen: Just kidding. Pretend to listen. Just nod, I’ll tell you what she’s saying. She’s talking about the guy she’s banging and how he never calls her unless it’s past midnight and he’s drunk. Nod, say, “Anyone that doesn’t treat you right, doesn’t deserve you.”

Don’t Encourage: The worst thing you could possibly do is advise her to wait and see if the situation improves. She’s going to seek your approval. Don’t give in. Also, if it’s convenient at this point try to play some Counting Crows on your i-tunes. Set the mood.

Put Yourself Out There: You’ve been bitching about this girl for months but you haven’t done anything. Stop being a pussy. I’m serious. Just stop being such a piece of crap right now and do something. She’s sitting there crying on your futon Mr. Jones is blasting from your speakers, the mood is perfect. Make your move.

Ease into it: You need to do a kind of tentative, confused peck at first. Then slowly you both realize how right this feels. “Stare at the beautiful women. She’s perfect for you, man, there’s got to be somebody for me.” The kiss starts to build up, her tongue is on yours, your hands are groping her body and she’s not stopping you. “We all want to be big stars, but we…” Let the animal sex ensue.

Congrats! Now you’re the dick she’s going to go complaining about to hopeless losers just like you used to be.