A Drunk and Verbally Abusive Magic 8 Ball Answers Your Questions

Question: Will I have a good job when I get older?                                       Response: Signs point to yes. Except that you were born an idiot, you will die an idiot, and nothing will change in-between.

Question: Who is going to win the World Series this year?                         Response: Outcome hazy, you money-hungry dick.                                  

Question: Will I ever find true love?                                                              Response: Without a doubt. Nah, I’m just messing with you, you’re definitely going to die alone.                                                                                            

Question: Am I on the right career path?                                                     Response: (Uncontrollable sobbing) Ask again later. I can’t…I just can’t deal with this right now.

Question: Should I buy a new car?                                                                Response: My sources say no. They also tell me they hate you and hope you burn in hell.

Question: Am I going to live a happy life?                                                    Response: Yes, definitely. Unless it doesn’t happen. Listen it’s not my fault your father didn’t love you. Get off my back!

Question: Will I be famous someday?                                                             Response: Outlook not so good. Especially since you’re so goddamn fat.

Question: Is there a God?                                                                             Response: All signs point to yes. But on second thought, go fuck yourself.