How Zombies Learned to Run

Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS…

Victim: AAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!

Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS!

Zombie #2: Mark.

Zombie #1: Shhh, I’m trying to stay focused here. BRRAAAAIINNNS!!

Zombie #2: Mark that guy is getting away from us, like, really easily.

Zombie #1: Dude I know. Who would’ve thought a middle-aged used car salesman could suddenly turn into frickin’ Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt when he was alive, I mean. Zombie Usain Bolt is slower than me somehow.

Zombie #2: But that guy’s just… he’s just walking briskly.

Zombie #1: I know! It’s like, where’s the fire, asshole? I mean, there’s fires all over the place, but you know what I mean. Sigh C’est la vie. We’ll get the next one.

Zombie #2: Mark, I’ve been thinking.

Zombie #1: How? Your head’s barely on.

Zombie #2: Still. I have an idea.

Zombie #1: Try me. BRRAAAAIINNNS!!!!

Zombie #2: Can you stop doing that first?

Zombie #1: …

Zombie #2: …Thank y-

Zombie #1: Brains.

Zombie #2: …Thanks. OK, now this is gonna sound a little ‘crazy’-

Zombie #1: You wanna go halfsies on that dead dog over there?

Zombie #2: No. I was gonna say, why don’t we just… run.

Zombie #1: Say whaa?

Zombie #2: Run. Running. Our legs, moving faster than they currently are.

Zombie #1: That’s ridiculous. We’re zombies. We shamble. Shambling is our thing. We shamble, and then we swarm.

Zombie #2: First of all, there are two of us. But also why?

Zombie #1: Why? Why is the sky blue? Why is the marrow inside a human femur the most delicious thing on Earth? Nobody knows these things.

Zombie #2: I just think we should try it, is all.

Zombie #1: Yeah, well, I don’t like where what’s left of your head is at.

Zombie #2: You know where I’d like my head to be at, Mark? Buried cheek deep in the arm meat of a fat lady who’s all mine because I chased her down myself. I’m sick and tired of splitting meals with our friends. There’s too much jockeying for position, and everyone we hang out with smells, just, the worst.

Zombie #1: Really? I miss my nose. Anyway what you’re suggesting is preposterous. Speed is our primary weakness, and always has been. It’s like if sunlight suddenly started making vampires glisten instead of die.

Zombie #2: Look, I don’t care anymore. I’m hungry. And I’m doin’ it.

Zombie #1: Fine, but don’t come moaning to me when your undead leg bones disintegrate before you’ve made it ten steps.

Zombie #2: Shut up. That is not going to happen. (Exhales slowly.) I can do this.

Zombie #1: Should I fire a gun into the air or something?

Zombie #2: That’s stupid. We can’t… can we use guns?

Zombie #1: I dunno. Never tried.

Zombie #2: …OK we’ll come back to that. Anyway, here goes.

(Zombie #2 takes off running, and stops successfully after a short distance.)

Zombie #2: Holy shit.

Zombie #1: Holy shit!

Zombie #2: I mean DID YOU SEE THAT!?

Zombie #1: I DID! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?

Zombie #2: I can’t really hear you, Mark. Why don’t you run over here and tell me?

Zombie #1: You know what? I fuckin’ will!

(Zombie #1 starts to run, but his undead leg bones disintegrate before he makes it ten steps.)

Zombie #1: AAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!

Zombie #2: Oh my zombie god. Are you OK, buddy? Can you walk? What do you need?

Zombie #1: CAAAAAANES!!