In the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve stand in front of God, who introduces them to each other.
God: Adam, Eve. Eve, Adam. Now that we all know each other, let's get down to business. I need you to help populate the human race. Also, I'll need that done soon-ish rather than later-ish since we're so behind schedule. I really shouldn't have taken that seventh day off. Anyways, I've got some Almighty things to do, so, Adam, get on her. It. Get on it.
God laughs, and looks to Adam and Eve, hoping to get a laugh from them, but nothing.
God:Oh, also-there's an apple tree over on the far side of paradise that I don't want you touching.
Adam and Eve: What?
NINE MONTHS LATER
God: What's going on here? Where are the babies? I should be swimming in a sea of babies right now. Does the word "quota" mean anything to you?
God notices the leaves on their bodies.
God: You ate from the Tree of Knowledge, didn't you? Seriously? I turn my back for one second-
Adam:Well, why did you even put it there in the first place then?
God: Uh, because I wanted to, and my motherfucking Will be done, comprende?
God: I'm sorry. You have no idea the amount of pressure I have on me right now. The Exec Board is doing an evaluation this month, and they've really been breathing down my neck. And my wife's got me sleeping on a lawn chair on the porch because I forgot her mom's birthday.
Adam and Eve move in to comfort him.
God: But seriously. That whole apple thing, that was just shitty.
Adam: So we ate some apples, big deal. And you know what? Eve did it first.
Eve: It wasn't my fault! A snake told me to!
God: A snake told you to?
Eve: Yeah he was like, "hey, you gotta try the apples, they're just sooo good."
God: You really expect me to believe that there's a talking snake involved here? You know I'm God, right? That means that, like, I know everything, and that includes, like, knowing when you're, like, lying.
Silence, and then God begins to sigh with increasing volume.
God: No, I'm totally fine.
Adam: You sure? Because from it here it looks like you're crying
God: I just thought I knew you two, that's all. Real BFF's, you know?
Adam: Is this a joke? No, don't cry even more. It'll be okay, we promise not to do it again. I don't even remember learning anything from those apples. Do you, Eve?
God: Look, if it were up to me, I'd let it slide. But there's a whole process that has to happen. Protocol. My job is on the line here. I have no choice, you guys need to leave. And don't come back for a really long time.
Adam: Well, how long is a really long time?
God: I don't know. Forever I think.
Eve: Really, though, the snake-
Adam: We're leaving now.
They leave, and God shouts after them.
God: I'm NOT going to miss you guys at all. Us being BFF's? What a joke! Don't let the vines hit you on the way out!
FIVE MINUTES LATER
God is standing in front of a naked man and woman.
God: Let's try this again. Adam Two, Eve Two. Eve Two, Adam Two. Good, now that we're all friends here, let's get down to business. I need you guys to get on the whole procreation thing ASAP. I actually gotta take care of something right now, so, Adam, you should get on her while I'm gone. It. Get on it.
God laughs, but neither Adam nor Eve seem to get the joke.
God: Does no one else but me appreciate good comedy? I should have made the rib the funny bone, then at least Eve would get it.
God: Really? Okay, I'll be back later. Don't forget to knock her up while I'm gone, champ. Oh and don't eat any apples. I think that covers everything.
THREE MINUTES LATER
God has just finished hammering a sign into the Tree of Knowledge, which reads "STAY OUT. SERIOUSLY."
God: Pff. Talking snakes.
Right at that moment, a snake slithers by.
Snake: Hey, God, what's up?
God watches the snake slither away.
God: Oh sh*t.