Guide to Getting Laid, EPISODE TWO

Hey, kids!  Welcome back.  Did you get any yet?  I didn’t think so, but hey, maybe it’s not your fault.  Perhaps I was lax in my last lesson and I didn’t include your type of girl.  In case you missed it, here is part one of this little self-help session: (http://www.collegehumor.com/update:1717033).  So, boys, without any further ado, here is your second list of doable dames and how to get into their panties.

So who is the girl that you always have around but have never gotten any from?  It’s your best female friend, of course!  She’s always there, and don’t even worry about making the friendship awkward.  She’s your best friend because she wants you anyway.  Okay, so she’s actually your best friend because she feels sorry for you, but that means that you get pity sex.  So get some, boy!

-Do something incredibly sweet for her, like hiring a sky-writer to spell out “I’ve always loved you” above your campus.  Don’t put her name in it because other guys can claim they did it for their girlfriend and get some, too.  In the meantime, buy her a dozen roses and chocolates and jewelry and all of those other pieces of crap that girls like and put them in her room.  Cook her a romantic dinner, and wait on her.  After dinner, beg for sex because you put all this effort into making her happy and that’s all you want in return.  The next day, pretend you have amnesia.Never speak of this again.

Yeah, you’re a lazy bastard, so you’re not going to put forth that much effort.  I understand.  You should try a simpler option, such as:

-Dress up as Zorro and sweep into her room at night, pretending to be her secret admirer.  Tell her that you will only reveal your identity after sex.  Leave when you have an orgasm and she is still unsatisfied, and then write your roommate’s name on a sticky note and put it on her door.  Never speak of this again.

-Take naked pictures of her in the shower and whack it.  Hey, it’s closer than you’ve ever been to sex, so you might as well.

We’ve all had our fantasies, myself included, about that hot foreign exchange student that just moved in with our neighbors.  She doesn’t speak much English, which is perfect for you, because she won’t be able to tell any of the other girls that you only lasted about seven seconds before the rodeo was over.  Even you have to admit, though; this chick is way out of your league.  She’s hot, and she’s way smarter than you.  You’ll have to step up your game for this girl.

-Learn to speak her native language fluently, especially if she is French.  Offer to help her with her English back at your apartment.  When she’s back at your place, tell her that her problem is the way she is holding her lips, then say in her native language, “but your lips are as beautiful and soft as rose petals, so I would hate to tell you that they are wrong.” Kiss her with passion and emotion and all of those other sappy things that you don’t care about, and then take her back to your room to make sweet love (or wild monkey sex, depending on what she’s into).

On second thought, you’re probably not smart enough to learn another language, and you most certainly cannot be sincerely romantic.  You had better stick to plans B and up.

-Offer to help her study for her classes. Once she is back to your apartment, tell her that American culture dictates that you sleep with a man when you are in his home.  Do all sorts of kinky things to her and chalk it up to “cultural differences”.(The beauty of this approach is that no man she asks will dispute your claim.)

-Learn how to say “I will pay you fifty dollars if you suck my dick,” in her native tongue.  When she accepts and the deed is done, don’t pay her.  Claim that you thought you were saying “I would love fifty dollars and you sucking my dick.”  She won’t complain to anyone because then she is the foreign exchange slut.  Then you will have a dirty deed, done dirt cheap.

The foreign exchange student is hot, which is out of your league, so you may need to lower your standards just a tad more and try to hit the almost-attractive tree hugger that hands out vegan informational pamphlets in your dorm.  She’s female, right?  And even though she doesn’t shave and probably hasn’t washed it in a while, she has a vagina.  Ignore those manly legs and get to getting some.

-Stop complaining about her pamphlets about saving the trees being printed on non-recycled paper.  Offer to help her hand out flyers for the veggie-club or whatever she calls it.  Become a vegan and make sure she knows that she changed your mind for you.  Pack her a tofu lunch in a recycled paper bag with a note in it on homemade hemp paper that says “Saving whales turns me on.  Meet me by my door at 1:00.”  Meet her ten minutes late, take her inside, and do her on the floor so you don’t get your sheets dirty.  Kick her out while you take a shower and wallow in shame and glory.

I understand if you’re not willing to change your diet for a girl.  D-Hall vegetarian dishes resemble something that has been scraped off of the bottom of a shoe and then glazed in runny poo. Go for low maintenance.  Go for option 2.

-Tell her that you will become vegan and help her save the rainforest if she comes into your room right away and screws you.  This is a lie, but she will probably do it to prove that she is really passionate about this cause, which is also a lie, so it’s all good.  Kick her out while you take a shower.  Don’t become vegan.  That’s gay.

So maybe approaching people isn’t your thing.  As a matter of fact, you probably spend most of your time in front of your computer, jerkin’ your gherkin to the CH boob pictures…at least until you get to the one with Graham in it.  That’s okay, because the Collegehumor.com comment slut is just waiting for you.  You barely even have to get off of your computer to get off…at first.  I know you can do it, and here’s how:

-Click on her profile, stop beating off to her avatar, and comment on everything that she has recently commented on.  Make sure to turn everything she says into some kind of dirty innuendo.  After she has figured out who you are, facebook her.  Flood her wall and messages with dirty talk and compliments.  Comment on all of her pictures.  It might help to find a picture on the internet of a man who is far sexier than you, and make that your picture.  Propose that you meet in person, and by the time you do, she will not be able to resist you.  If she does resist, knock her out and leave her where you found her, then delete any records of ever talking to her.

This approach requires at least a little bit of cooperation on her part.  For those of you who need a lot more help, which is all of you, try something simpler.

-Facebook her.  Do not make any contact with her otherwise.  She will probably accept because she is a whore.  Use the information on facebook to find her in person, and chloroform her in her sleep.  Be quiet so that you don’t wake up her roommate.  Return to your computer and pretend it never happened.

-Just face it; the closest you will probably get is beating off to her Facebook pictures.

Even easier to hit than the CH’er, and still available from your computer chair, is the underage Myspace slut.  Don’t worry about the age, because she lists it on her profile as 22, even though she complains about her English 8 teacher in her blogs.  You’ll still win in court.  This couldn’t be easier to hit, because she is actually looking for sex.  If you’re lucky, you’ll get one that is trying to get free alcohol out of it, so she’ll bang you for some Natty Light.Are you ready to get started?  I know you are!

-Send her a message saying that she’s really sexy and you totally want to hit that.  Comment on her hottest picture about how she makes your pants tight.  Get her phone number and use dirty innuendo in your conversations.  Ask her if she wants to hook up.  Get a case of beer, pick her up from school and take her to a cheap motel.  Tell her that she has to do the nasty before she can get drunk.  When she’s drunk, make her do it again.  Make sure you never give her your real name.  It’s polite to give her bus fare for her way back home, but you don’t really have to.  She was dumb enough to go meet you in the first place.

Do you feel dirty yet?  You’re about to feel dirtier.  Here is the super-easy way to get some from the myspacer:

-Send her a picture of your penis and tell her you’ll give her some smack if she meets you at the dirty motel.  When she gets there, smack her in the face, then make her give you head.  Make sure you tell her your roommate’s name, and not yours.  That way, he goes down for it and not you.

-Show up at her school.  Bang her in your car in the parking lot during her lunch time.  Make sure you check out her teachers, because you might be able to get with them, too.  Just kidding; you’ll never get with her teacher.  You suck.

So there you go boys.  If I haven’t gotten to your type of girl yet, then you probably shouldn’t be trying to get with any girls.  Perhaps you could go to a prison and look for some desperate male inmate and be their bitch?  You probably deserve it anyway.  If you keep striking out, try a different method or a different girl, and remember kids, there’s always roofies!